I'm sorry, but I am not here right now

vacation. it's beautiful. it's needed. and I am purposefully falling off the face of the earth for a while. Please know, it isn't personal. But even though I am mostly an extrovert, i do need some down time and quiet. 

i have felt parched since Christmastime (instead of resting, I plowed through January and February without blinking an eye. Or much sleep). I get so excited (and a bit overwhelmed) with everything-all my projects, deadlines, the-next-big-thing-coming-up that I don't really...stop. It's about slim to none that I turn OFF my brain and rest. After imagining a yellow flag raised in the air, cautioning me that the rate in which i am moving will probably cause burn out, I...asked...for...a...break. Those 2 words are some of the hardest in the English language to type, let alone speak. In a conversation. To your boss. 

i have some of the MOST understanding co-workers in the world, who are the biggest advocates of boundaries (mostly for others). This was a no brainer for everyone else, but so hard for me to admit. I'm tired. Who, me? Tired? I have creativity and inspiration to keep me afloat!I never get tired or burned out. I have an amazing job and have the best team of leaders in the world. But, all of that, let's face it...it is not enough. Everyone gets tired (...right? Oh, please tell me, I am right...).

So, I have purposefully turned my brain off the last 2 days. Played on Facebook, caught up on America's Next Top Model, did a load of dishes. Need to clean more. (eek!) Did some shopping today. I am exercising as if I was on the biggest loser. Eating as if I wanted to lose the Biggest Loser. And basically, have done not much more than that. It's been needed. and, i want to blog, but i am not even sure that i have any brain power right now. I'm not even sure I will have any deep revelations during my hiatus from the world to blog. But I do know, I am going to be unplugging for a few days. No blogging. No Facebook. No email. This is a big deal for me, but I am glad. I need to do it. 

(So, side note, I do ask-do you have any good "refreshing" books to suggest to me? I'm bored with most of the ones I already own (classic ENFP in me is kicking in...) so picking up a couple new ones could be great. I am thinking about some Henri Nouwen, Brendan Manning-eque books to refresh me spiritually, some great leadership books to push me further, but before I raid Dan's office, do you have any suggestions?) 

so, if Blogspot had an auto responder, mine would say something like this: "Hi and thanks so much for reading my blog. I'm currently detaching myself from all things technological until April 7th. I will be back at my computer and returning all blog comments the week of April 7th. If you need immediate assistance please call the main office line and hit the "0" for the operator. Thanks so much and have a great week."

hiding

when i was little, we lived way up on a hill adjacent to Alum Rock Park in San Jose. I loved walking down the street to the treehouse someone built where my friends and i would "tag" the treehouse with hearts and our current crush's name. my brother and i grew up in an irreligious household and went to church on Christmas and Easter about 5 times in my childhood. 

we had a house with a wraparound deck and big windows that were not up to earthquake code for the late 80's and early 90's (the house was built in 1950 and does not exist anymore). If you were to stop by, you could look into any of our windows and know if someone was home. To enter our house, you had to go up the front steps (about 10-15 of them). 

Every year or two, I would hear from my mom "hide!" as I would hear footsteps up the stairs, and a knock on the door. It was silly, but I loved this little game. I would hide in my mother's bedroom and peer out of the window to see who was there. It was usually two to three people, dressed in their best 80's suit or Laura Ashley dress, with a good amount of fliers. They would start at our front door and then peer into our windows and walk all the way around our wraparound deck, peering into each window to see if someone was home. All signs of life was apparent: i tried to flip off as many lights as I could as they walked up the stairs but usually missed one; our car perfectly parked in the carport and all my toys sprawled out in the house or in the driveway. after a couple of minutes, I could hear that they had walked down the back steps and from our front window, see them drive off into the horizon.

I had an interesting experience come up today as I was washing dishes and catching up on housework. I hear a rapping at my door and a feeling of fear wash over me: 

who is it? who is stopping by at 9:30 in the morning? 

I am still in my bathrobe. Oh crap, I'm still in my bathrobe! 

Is it "the cable guy" who is actually a mass murderer?  

Is it my neighbor letting me know that another duplex is on fire and I need to get out of the building? 

Will I have enough time to get out of my bathrobe? Do I have any clean clothes? 

What do you get when you have 1 minute to evacuate the building and only 2 hands?

"Who is it?" I ask with my ear against the door. "One of your neighbors," a lady answered as I opened the door. Oh, great, the building IS on fire, I think to myself. "I would just like to invite you to this," the lady continued. 

In her hands contained a flier of Jesus and Easter, that resembled something that the southern baptist church gave out during the Jesus movement. I recognized the flier right away as 3 saturdays ago, a gentleman stopped by to give me one. I politely took one 3 weeks ago, and briefly read through it. I was invited to an Easter service on Saturday the 22nd at the Kingdom Hall. Today, I politely told her no thank you, and to have a great day, and closed the door.  I didn't have the amount of brain power at 9:30 a.m. to invite her into my dirty home (that I was cleaning), have a conversation with her and relive every "apologetics" class I ever took. This morning, I really just wanted a really large window, where I could see who was at my door and hide in my mom's bedroom today. 

I know that isn't the thing to say, being that I work at a missional church but I am realizing my own instinct is to do so- to avoid uncomfortability. We have spent the last 4 weeks at Vintage talking about this very subject and here I am, wanting to go hide in a bedroom. I know that I so love Jesus and what he has done for me and want others to have that as well. It's a choice to be missional and to live outside our own desires and to live by the Spirit. And I am realizing it takes a lot of prayer. I know it seems so simple, but it is not easy to really live out.  

I wonder how many people will be attending their service tonight based off the personal invite. I wonder how 'effective' it was to walk to each house, knock on the door and personally invite people to their deal. I wonder how many people were intrigued, offended, apathetic. I wonder how many people hid in their bedroom and ignored the knock on the door. 

easter is tomorrow. it seems so early this year. i wonder how many people have seen our flier that we made and are planning to come tomorrow.  how many people picked it up and were intrigued. i am praying that many people would come and see the hope in Jesus' resurrection. That we might be able to change some stereotypes people have of the church and faith. i am also praying for those who, like me, are afraid of uncomfortability. who would rather go hide than to be a part of a church community or to share this hope we have in Jesus with others who might want it.  and when you think of it, pray for me, that the next time i hear a knock on the door, i will not hide, no matter what my desire might be at the time. 

Happy Easter. He lives. 

...in dreamland, Easterland, Summertime land

dreams are funny. i tend to have reoccurring themes in my dreams. Over the last year i have had easily 6-8 dreams about pregnancy. It's either me or one specific friend (who will remain nameless - but note - she isn't pregnant :)). It usually about one of us sharing the news that we were pregnant-not labor, delivery or anything else.

This last dream, the night of the 18th (night before Mike's 33rd b-day), I dreamt that i was rapidly approaching the 2nd trimester and was starting to show. I knew I had to start telling people and I was scared. In my dream, I felt the baby kick (which was probably gas from dinner that night). Anyway, I was in the hallway next to my office and I told both Josh and Lee that I was pregnant. Josh was excited-as animated Josh usually reacts to exciting news. Lee was not so ecstatic - in fact, his first words were "was this unplanned?" in a monotone voice. I replied with a "yes" and he stayed pretty stoic. Then he responded with "That's cool" and went on his way down the stairs. That was the end of the dream. I didn't wake up with any emotion but shock that i just had ANOTHER freaking dream about pregnancy.

i tend to get freaked out by these pregnancy dreams as I am warming up to the idea of a child, but not totally sold on having a kid until we are a bit more stable (do we ever get stable though, I ask?). 

Jung really thought that dream interpretation opened up the windows of our souls. I dont know if i really agree, but I am curious to see what "they" think. I wikipedia-ed dream interpretation and found some interesting things. (Don't worry, I don't put a ton of merit in dream interpretation, i just thought this could be pretty funny to hear about, that is all!)

The Curious Dreamer says that pregnancy dreams are one of these things:

• a process or project somewhere in your life (they seem so show up during stressful periods at work where I have to really produce)
  
• responsibility for another person somehow in your life (wow, it is kinda true-i feel a lot of responsibility for others in my life)
  
• responsibility for self or for your inner child (i have been growing more as an adult lately)
  
• a curiosity about pregnancy (I am sure there is some of that in this dream)

The Dream Dictionary says that a pregnancy dream symbolizes new life, creative, inventive,  that i should be prepared to produce something. (i think this is somewhat accurate in my life)

SoulFuture.com says that dreaming of being i may indicate: 

• incubating a new project, relationship or cycle within (see above)
  
• manifesting my desires (maybe a little bit)
  
• a guidance dream heralding an actual pregnancy (haha, not actually possible)
  
• a desire to be pregnant (could be)

Ok, I think it is a multitude of things, so this is my interpretation:

1. I am afraid of some unexpected thing to happen-I like controlling my life as it is. The unexpected scares me (when it comes to a child being dependent on me for 18-24 years).

2. I think the responsibility for self and others is true-I feel loads of responsibility at work that is hard for me to process at time or categorize. I am really learning about myself in this time frame and find that I am learning to take responsibility for my actions-as much as I can. But I am learning boundaries as well.

3. I am sure this is about my desire to one day be pregnant. It will be a joyous occasion. I know I am processing it and learning on how to be a woman, how to be me, and not just falling to the stereotypes of motherhood. I am really wading through the years of crap in the background that has held me back from motherhood. BUT, I am still processing and thinking. One day it will happen, but just not this week. :) 

Anyway, this week is exciting-it's Easter this sunday, which means 1) we celebrate hard core the gift of Jesus' resurrection and 2) i have a sunday night off. silly I know, but I am looking forward to being in my bathrobe at 5 pm, making frozen pizza and relaxing. I haven't done that in 6 months, so I can't wait. I like Easter-the new life of spring really accentuates the new life we have in Jesus. We just spent 5 hours setting up the installation in the sanctuary tonight and it is BEAUTIFUL (thanks team!). It was amazing. 

Back to spring and Jesus. slowly but surely, maybe I will shed my SAD (seasonal affective disorder). i love summertime-flip flops, shorts, and a tan. I can't wait!! 

Now, after I have spent almost 2 hours relaxing after a long day, I am going to bed. Night night my blog friends, nighty night!

Quirky, Quirky Me (Oh, how quirky I am...)

Ok, I must say I am new to this as well. I now must share 6 quirks about me via this blog.  I was tagged by Nini and I am now passing on the tradition to Colleen, Bennett and Shannon Marie. I am quirky, it's slightly embarrassing but it is true. Authentically Sarah (Bacon) Martin.

Here's the deal:

1. Link to the person who tagged you. 

2. Post the rules. 

3. Share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. 

4. Tag at least 3 people. 

5. Make sure the people you tagged know you tagged then by commenting to them. 

1. I love the Weather Channel. I seriously could watch radar ("Your local on the 8's") all day. I am really intrigued as storms come in. I am excited when we get severe weather alerts. I listen outside for rain showers. Get a little freaked out, yet intrigued by thunder. I love to park by the beach and watch the waves as they crash. I love the rain and love curling up in a blanket, with a magazine and...the Weather Channel humming in the background.

2. I can hear the tone of a touch dial phone (as a friend pushes a button on the other side) and tell you which number you pushed just by the sound. I haven't been in practice in the last couple of years since the age of the cell phone, but I think it was the beginning of musical ear training. That was my biggest talent growing up. (just kidding).

3. I am slightly obsessive compulsive about doors, especially if I locked them and closed them shut. I hate the feeling of "did I lock the door...?" and so I check it...once, twice...three times.  I basically don't want to be responsible if my house was robbed or the church was broken into. So, i double or triple check at times. Call me OCD. I don't care. (I'm not totally OCD about anything else really, see number 5).

4. I am afraid of any body of water that I cannot control. So, basically, I am fine with swimming in a swimming pool but don't you dare throw me in the ocean (especially the freezing Pacific), ask me to go river rafting (almost drowned in a river once) or swim in the lake (I am perfectly ok with sitting on the sidelines, getting a tan while you go play with the fishies and kelp).  Although once, with a very trained boat driver, I did wake board and would do it again. 

5. I am notoriously known for starting things but not finishing them. I have many half-finished scrapboooks, half read books by my bed (which I do occasionally read), menus planned (but not shopped for or cooked), projects around the house to finish, personal goals to be developed. The Myers Briggs once called me an ENFP and they are pretty much known for not finishing projects. They can start them, but not finish. While I dont think I am a 100% classic ENFP (I think environment shapes personality), i have some of the traits. I am learning how to tackle big goals into little ones now. I think I can focus on one place at a time. I think I have work down, but forget the others. ENFP's They are known for talking a lot and having high goals but not getting a lot finished. i am working on it (see blog on little life changes) but its a process.

6. I am kind of a map lover. As a kid, I would sprawl a map over our kitchen table and memorize all the major streets of San Jose. Partially, if I ever got lost or was forgotten at the supermarket or dance class, I knew how to get home. My mom wasn't the strongest in the map department so I was really the navigator. ("Honey, do we take Highway 120 to Arnold?"..."Yes, Mom"...) Now, I love knowing exactly where I am going, how I am going to get there, how many minutes it will take (and I usually leave late to wherever I am going...another quirk). I love being the one who has all the info in a row, memorized and ready to go and "accidentally" take an alternate route or stop at the 7-11 for beef jerky. But don't put me on turn by turn directions-i need to see the whole, big picture. It must be the leader in me...? 

my paragraphs have gotten progressively longer and sloppier -that means I am tired and must sleep now. so...now it's your turn!

This was fun-THANKS Nini!

caffeination update

It's been 17 days of my accidental detox of caffeine. In those 17 days, I am pretty sure I have had 5 cups of coffee. I know...I know-but I only drink it (one cup) on days where I MUST be focused and functional to get my work done (so, that means, Sundays, Mondays and every other Tuesday).

So i have converted. No longer am I a slave to the caffeine. It's amazing. (I shared in the office during this conversion that I have been drinking coffee since i was 9 and that was my diet in high school: coffee and cigarettes. Such a great diet. NOT so much.) I am now in LOVE with green tea. I really am. I am not getting much in the area of caffeine, great taste and supposedly, it helps speed up your metabolism. Can't beat that! It's warm, good for you and I love the taste. Ok, so that is my quick update on caffeination. i am now off to cook some kind of dinner and rest before tomorrow! It's a big day-our first ever immersion baptism in our sanctuary! (please pray tonight that the water is warmed enough :)). 

little life changes

as i type tonight, i have the hiccups. My grandfather used to call them "hee-cups", and I thought that was cute. I say "hick-ups".
anyway, as i hiccup away, i have made some minor life tweaks this week. i tend to do them spontaneously, then stop in 2-3 weeks.

• no more coffee. i know. day 5 (minus sunday). pretty amazing. gotta love advil.

• i am bringing clothes with me to the office. I ran up high st. to the ucsc entrance and back. i am now making this at least a twice a week occurrance.

• I am trying to go bed early. i think about it, and need to. Its 11 pm now though, and I am not in bed.

• wikipedia everything so i can grow in my knowledge of areas shared with me. i know know that John Donne worked at a church later in life, married scandalously (14-17 yr old), and had 11 kids, including 2 stillborn, one died at 18. Thank you, Wikipedia!

• eat healthier. i brought some food to the office today that was SUPER healthy. then i went home at had Top Ramen and Soy Chips (spicy)...and a good 400 calories, i am sure.

anyway, those are little tweaks i am trying to change this month. How about you? (the hee-cups have gone away now).

caffeination

so i dont think caffeination is a word. i am making up words as i type. i have now gone a few days without coffee (colleen has inspired me). here's the log:

Wednesday the 27th-no coffee beans at home. fall for Starbuck's marketing ploy and buy newly practiced espresso for mike and i. pleasantly surprised at the taste.

Thursday the 28th-no coffee beans - day 2. have to get to the church by 10 to meet alex and yarek. no caffeine break. feels ok and resists red bull in the coffeehouse. crunches numbers: i could save money AND calories if i quit drinking coffee. no headache at 3 pm. thinks, "i can do this".

Friday the 29th-no coffee again but does get Taco Bell in a hurry over the hill. drinks part of Mike's Mtn Dew and feels good. Goes shopping for a dress for a wedding and can't decide. drive back home (after seeing men from WestGate [long story]).

Saturday the 1st-went without caffeine again. passed up the coffee at the bridal shower as well. had a pretty good headache today. thinks she is nuts and will HAVE to drink some in the morning to make it through sunday. wishes it was monday and dreads what kind of headache she will have on monday with no coffee and lots of meetings. rethinks whole concept. dreams of going to the store and buying beans and then the beans become alive and attack her and take her money in Aisle 4B. wakes up in night sweats. 

p.s. on public t.v. they are showing the Clash---- infomercial style. Public TV goes hip!

"I broke the law and law won!"

what a web (w)e weave

i am always awestruck at what a small world this is. Mike and I were at Mt Hermon this last weekend, hanging out with a life coach named Bob Nicholson, and "interned" under him to see if life coaching/counseling is something Mike is interested in as a future career. He held a seminar and a couple meetings where we observed. The very last meeting that day was a family from Loomis. 

"Loomis?" i shrieked, before realizing I just opened a (cool) but big opening for a conversation. "yep, we are from Loomis". 

I say (before holding my tongue), "we were from Rocklin! Just moved from there about 2 years ago!". 

"Really, i work at Sierra College", says the husband. 

"No way", mike says, "we lived kiddy corner from the school in the apartments". 

"We are renting right now, and we live in the same complex. I am currently looking for a few good babysitters", says the wife. 

"No way, we probably have some names for you-we were youth pastors before moving here", I say, again, thinking there is no connection.

"Really? What church?" asks the wife. 

"Sierra College Blvd. Baptist Church, now LIFEhouse Church," I said figuring they went to Bayside like the rest of the town. 

"No way, we just became members there!" says the husband. 

the conversation went on, past on names of babysitters, and went on our way. But it is amazing to see how we are all interrelated somehow. It felt like the 6 degrees of Mike or Sarah Martin. I think that makes the body of Christ so cool. I bet you I now someone, who knows someone, who knows someone from South Africa, who knows Mike or me. Or our churches we have served at. And the same is probably for you. 

TRIPPY! But fun. neat. and kind of scary.

Alternate Names for "Jesus"

there's a new rendition of the hymn "O For a Thousand Tongues" by David Crowder we played today at vintage. There's a chorus (verse? i dont know) that says:

"there are so few words that never grow old...Jesus". 

and we repeat it a few times in the song and it flipped me out-triggered this old memory. here's why. 

so when I first became a Christian, I really struggled using the name "Jesus" when i prayed, talked about Him, etc. I usually prayed "Dear God, said "God loves you", "God has made a difference in my life". I think i was afraid of not being politically correct with my friends (God is so much more neutral than Jesus) and was kind of weirded out by the name "Jesus" (english pronunciation). 

All the things I knew of Jesus was from the girl who said "Smile! Jesus loves you!" as you found out you flunked your last mid term. Think about it-i was praying to a name that was not a usual English word. You don't (probably out of reverence) hear kids named Jesus (not Je-sus, spanish version but pronounced Gee-zus). You don't (unless you are a Christian or a person who is interested in religion) use "Jesus" in a sentence. You just...don't.

  

so sometimes, early in my faith, i would brain storm alternate names for Jesus that were more common. and laugh and think, what if the man that was crucified on the cross, in today's time was named John. We'd be singing, "There are so few words that never grow old...John" in a worship gathering. Or these days, Ethan's and Aiden's are ALL OVER the place. So what if Jesus' name, in today's time, was Aiden."There are so few words that never grow old....Aiden". Aiden would be our name of choice, writing worship songs in his name. Ok, this is kind of psychotic, i know, but follow me. (p.s. this posting is honestly what went through my head as a new Christian. I'm sorry i was a little afraid and maybe a little demented).   

But you what is crazy-is that in Jesus' time, JESUS was the popular name. There were probably 9,000 Jesus' alone in Jerusalem. I wonder if the early church sat around and sang in Greek songs about Jesus. and if so, were they weirded out singing about a name so common? Did they wish His name was something more unusual so they could distinguish it better? Or if someone went up to a person and said "Jesus changed my life" and the person had to go "Wait...Jesus of where again? Which Jesus? Oh, the guy who was crucified? Yeah, Jesus of Nazareth. Yep, heard about Him". And walk away and think, gosh-if only Jesus had a bit more of an unusual last name, like Bacon. (haha.)

There are so few words that never grow old...because Jesus is so unusual-that name is unusual for our time. That name has changed the course of history (well, being God, and all, He could). and over the last 12 years (on march 22nd) that name...has never grown old (even if I wanted to give Him a name makeover in the beginning).

Things that I Love (concept stolen from Bennett)

Ok, i will be honest-i haven't really blogged much this month. I have a lot of things swarming around in my brain, but i am not sure if i am ready to commit them to paper (or my blog). In the mean time, i will talk about things I currently love as it is Valentine's Day/Love Month. (husband and Jesus not included, as that is a given). 

REALITY TV

since the writer's strike, i have had to entertain myself with reruns of 

America's Next Top Model (just 

plainly ridiculous),  

Bringing Home Baby (gets out any baby interests i have 

by watching others-great birth control),

 What Not to Wear (makes me feel better with my 

outfits these days).

Drives up Highway 1

there's nothing like driving

 through expansive areas that Highway 1 to Pacifica opens. When I need a break, need to turn off my brain...mike and i go for a drive. Today we went up to Half Moon Bay and ate lunch at a British Pubs called Cameron's. So worth it. So worth it. 

Barack Obama

if you have not read these...you should. I about died of laughter in a worship gathering last week (please forgive me, it was text that came over. I sat through all the gatherings though. and paid attention.) All i hope for is that he beats Billary. If he doesn't and she is voted into office...I think Canada is in my future. Vintage Faith - Canada? Eh?

The Future

dreamy Sarah has been thinking about life and the future lately. Well, mike and my future, not necessarily time travel or meals in pill form. what does it look like? I am not sure. But I do know that I love, love love: meetings with people who energize me, seeing people change and teaching in a group setting (preferably 20-100 people). I'd like to own a retreat/conference center like place where I can offer conference classes/workshops to people (preferably over worked, underpaid pastors and church leaders) somewhere between Santa Cruz and Davenport. I also dream about a book contract, a teaching tour/speaking circuit and traveling all over, wherever to make a living and see God change lives.  

so thank you, Bennett for helping me commit the things I love to paper (or blog). 

21

when i was a kid, i thought that anyone over the age of 22 must to be "grown up".  you are done with college, probably got married, and i figured I'd have 2 kids by 26 because I'd be "grown up" enough. i'm slightly weirded out because I'll be 27 in May and don't "feel" the age i'll be. Most days, I feel 21. And it really feels like yesterday that I was 21. not that 6 years is a huge age gap, but every year, the number increases, but i feel the same. 

i can't help but wonder am I grown up enough? am i responsible enough? stable enough? i think kids scare me because you really "grow up" when they are dependent on you constantly. that kind of freaks me out. i'm not sure if i'm ready to grow up just yet, this is realm of adulthood. but i can't help but wonder if I will ever feel it. maybe you don't. you're just thrown into responsibility, you don't wake up one morning and say, "boy, I feel like i'm now super adult and mrs. responsibility". i think that will be what happens to me. 

i guess i will eternally be 21 inside no matter if i have 2 kids attached to my hip. I'll just do my best to not dress 21 when i'm 55 and borrow my daughter's clothes (too much). 

inconsequential holidays and their meaning in the marriage covenant (a.k.a. V-Day and what it means to me)

I have been asked a few questions about V-Day and marriage lately. (note to reader: this isn't a deep blog post at all. If you are looking for deep, go find Shannon Marie or Havens. But tonight, i'm blogging on inconsequential holidays and their meaning in the marriage covenant. Not to say that the rest of my posts are too deep).  And well, in less than 14 days, many, many Americans will spend lots of money on their other half and celebrate the black hole holiday called Valentine's Day. Although, I am now married and in a committed long term relationship (i guess that is what marriage is :)), Valentine's Day brings many memories to my mind. 

Some Valentine's Day Highlights:

• a certain boy, who will remain nameless, gave me some great eighties earrings and a necklace in the 2nd or 3rd grade. Asked me to "go around" with him and I said no. 
• Who doesn't remember getting 9,000 Valentine's Day cards in elementary school, waiting for "that guy" to make you one. Then you receive them and each of them is from your 3 best friends, faking the guy's signature. 
• junior high and high school years were a bit of a blur, but it seemed as though I would "date" a guy, but we'd get together over Christmas vacation or on that week back in school and then break up right before V-Day. Or break up with me on the day.
• dated a guy in college who broke up with me on February 12th. I went out with the ladies and had a single girl's night out on V-Day. Then he wanted to get back together right as the 14th ended. I think it might have been a bit shady...I cant help but wonder if that was out of convenience. 

As i have been married, a few Valentine's Day highlights have been:

• I'm sure we did something when we first were engaged. but sadly, i couldnt tell you what that was. 
• first V-day as a married couple: watched all the kids at SCBBC for a fundraiser for a high school missions trip.
• second V-day, probably ate at applebee's or taco bell as we just resigned from SCBBC 4 days before.
• Third V-day, first in Santa Cruz...we both can't remember what we did. 
• This year...probably going to have our first "romantic" night out for the holiday. Maybe. But honestly, we're kind of lazy. So we'll probably just have Ramen and beer.

What are my thoughts on V-Day, you ask? well, love should be a year around event. not once a year. share your love with friends, family and loved ones all the time. Not just on one of the biggest consumeristic holidays of the year. It's fun to love someone or everyone on that day, too. don't get me wrong. Shower the love. Maybe I'll make valentine's day cards for everyone this year. yet again, i am lazy so i probably won't and just eat Ramen and watch TLC. 

sarah is an insomniac

Sleep.

i dont love sleeping. i know i need it. i cant really go to bed right now. i am wide awake.

i was always really jealous of those people who function on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. i wish i could do that and not be a lunatic the next day. (I am sorry for all the people i have come into contact and have been subject to the next-day wrath). i typically need 9-10 hours of sleep a night but the last few weeks, i just cant get to bed before 11 and have to get up in the morning semi early (which is relative, to be honest).

so the bedtime ritual is this the last week or so: 

go to bed around 11. 

lay there for an hour. 

watch south park or listen to the history channel and try to sleep while mike is awake next to me. 

roll around for a half an hour and pray. 

count sheep. 

lose track of a sheep and go looking for it. 

bring it back into the pen and count again. 

roll around and try to get comfortable. 

feel my neck tighten. do neck loosening exercises on my pillow. 

look at the clock from across the room. 

pray again that i will be functional in the morning. 

finally fall asleep. 

(but wake up sometime that night to one or more of the following: rain shower, cat fight, skunk spraying my house).

maybe mike's lack of sleep is rubbing off on me. maybe i am becoming elderly and need less sleep than the past and function on less sleep. maybe my body is in "fight or flight" mode and cannot relax and is feeling as though i have to fend off a hyena in a tribal country. 

but here it is, 12:53 am (which is early for some of my fellow blogging friends) and i am awake, enjoying the warm glow of the computer screen.  

off to bed i go. 

wide awake i will be.

give...me...energy...

look, this is going to sound ridiculous but I have so much energy today after taking my New Chapter B vitamins (and my regular vitamins). I have energy (yet i still have the film of tiredness I usually feel :)) and feel like I could be really, really productive today (if i wanted to be). And I have only had one cup of coffee. 

ONE.

B vitamins = crack for the health fiend.   

gracias por la vida y mi muy bonita amigas y tarjetas y bibliotecas

1. central heating

2. the gym

3. houndstooth sweaters, bags, scarves

4. people who invest in the lives of others

5. the little bits and pieces of spanish i picked up from my gangsta chola friends in junior high (because, God knows I didnt pay any attention in spanish class in high school!)

6. angi, for her great eye for color and being one real, authentic friend 

7. my past 

8. feeling of coming into "my own"

9. authors and writers and revolutionaries 

10. rest 

(side note...it shouldn't take me 10 days to think of what I am thankful for...but it did. eeek!)

Ugh...the English language

lately, i have been feeling very frustrated at the english language and it's limited vocabulary. i know that i have a limited vocabulary and usually sum up everything as "awesome" "cool" "amazing" if things are good and "sucks" "no good" and other wonderful words when i am describing what I am feeling or thinking. 

The Hebrew and Greek languages had lots of words to say the word "love". you knew you were talking about a deep intimate love with one word, and a brotherly love in another. sometimes I feel like I'm trying to explain the magnitude of my feelings and really can't find the words to accurately describe it-like i need to create new words to explain it or read a thesaurus everyday to learn new words (they we dont use on a regular basis, and then have to define it to others). that's probably why swear words are so attractive in our culture-they explain something that we just can't find words for (especially at 13). 

(random side note: up till right now, it feels that what I am writing is a Rob Bell video and someone could be videotaping me as I walk and share this like in a subway station or something).

so i am feeling let down by the language we use on a daily basis. i want the words to describe all that i am internally meditating on and I am stuck. Anyone want to join me and we could resurrect Koine greek?

...in the mean time...

i am working on a blog of all blogs and it should be done in the next couple of days as i think and digest what i've read. i'm re-reading a book from college called "The Critical Journey" and am thoroughly enjoying my reading right now. like, massively. i can't help but analyze my journey with Jesus since the last time i read the book (which i think was 6-7 years ago...wow). but in it, well, i'm saving most of my thoughts for the next blog, but i feel like i've moved stages since the last time i read this.

the rain today makes me happy. i love it and my reasoning is probably psychotic. years ago, like 10-14 years ago, i lived in a time where stability was gone-i practically lived on my own at 14, without much guidance (except naomi's mom and my dad later in high school when i moved back in the house). in it, i kind of got addicted to instability (probably contributing to my insane love of moving to a new house every year-i dont care if it's 1 mile away-its new!). and in that instability i found comfort. instability was stability for me. so when things were super stable, it was like i had a crisis. i didnt know what to do. 

so as I have grown, gone to counseling and become more stable, at times i look to other external things, out of my control (like the weather) that give me this funny feeling like something crazy is happening. the rain is something that in California doesn't get, as it is on the dry side, so snow at low elevations and heavy amounts of rain is out of the ordinary. I got so excited about this ridiculous snow/rain storm as it was unpredictable.  a bit crazy. a bit different. or maybe i am just easily excitable. haha.

so thanks rain, for coming today, and helping me realize how much i love you, for probably crazy reasons. i think i better stop blogging and listen as it might be gone soon and the predictable sun will arrive.

Thankful

OK, I'm stealing this idea from Rene-she is writing 10 things that she is thankful for as a part of her resolutions. I am not going to do it daily like she is, I don't think, but maybe weekly. :-) This may help us remember the blessings Jesus gives us and to appreciate each day. 

1. Mike (this is probably obvious)-he is the sweetest greatest husband in the world. I love him dearly and I am so thankful for him.

2. Caffeine (where would I be without it?)

3. the joy that kids have (watching samantha and gracie play last night was way too cute-they were buds and had a blast together and I want joy like that)

4. friends that want to hang out with Mike and me (and I'm not paying them off)

5. change that only Jesus can bring (he's has brought me so far in the last 12 years...and i have so far to go!)

6. no matter how crazy work might get, i wake up everyday excited, knowing i'm exactly where God wants me and is using my gifts to the fullest

7. Email and Facebook - how would i be in touch with people otherwise? :) 

8. pandora.com 

9. my parents-that they are still here on earth and i get to be only a half an hour away from them (where i've been 10 hours and 2.5 hours in the past)

10. sleep (10+ hours sounds great!)

It's Called "American" Idol for a Reason

I just finished watching the season premiere of American Idol. There's always some talent and some entertainment to the biggest reality TV show, especially in the first few episodes. Funny thing is, people go on there, audition horribly or dress up like their favorite character and in their delusion, think they will make it through to the next round. 

There was a girl at the end that dressed like Princess Leia and doesn't get picked (go figure). Then she goes off about how American Idol only picks people who look the same, act the same, that they don't like uniqueness. She wasn't absolutely horrible (but by no means good), singing wise, but come on, you are in a Princess Leia outfit-the hair buns and all. 

These were the things rolling around in my head after Princess Leia spoke of such things. Ok, in an ideal world, we'd not judge people by their costuming, and everyone would get a fair chance to make it "big". ( ed note: In Jesus' eyes, everyone is beautiful. Unfortunately, since the fall, we probably have a pretty skewed view of beauty.) But "making it big" is an American concept in and of itself. The fact that Kelly Clarkson can go onto a game show and get a record contract and tour the world (and, funny, she can sing) is not something that most of the world could offer or even values. And being the "American" idol is a lot to live up to with our American values. In this competition, people are judged not just on how well they could sing, but if they could captivate an audience and make Simon (and the contestant) a lot of money. Pop culture and music is made to reach the masses (reason being for the name "popular"). Pop music isnt usually for the crazy artistic (although some is) but is catchy for the non-musical masses. The same goes for American Idol. You need to be catchy, carry a tune, be able to do some runs, and sell albums. Im not sure how much it's about people achieving big dreams with big skill as it is about making a big buck off someone with big dreams and big skill. and knowing what American society will vote on. I don't know.

And in the case of Princess Leia, "unique" doesn't have a wide range of an audience (it's usually a niche group of followers), there's no way that person could sell a ton of records (unless you are William Hung). And buns or not, she is not an amazing singer (which Simon did say in previous seasons, "this is a singing competition").

I don't know about you, but if I was going to audition, this would be going through my mind. I couldn't blame Paula, Simon or Randy if I showed up as Princess Leia and they told me no. I would look quite silly and not even know if i could be taken seriously. (Professionalism does say something. :)) 

Again, I'm not totally against American Idol or for the fun it provides for the person on Tuesday nights. I like the show. It's fun. I love it, i really do! It's just funny hearing Princess Leia go off about this "uniqueness" and I had to blog about it. I don't even know if i agree with what i just blogged. I just had to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the blog. (And maybe have created controversy? or a wise crack or two?)

2007

I am stealing this from Vanessa. I enjoyed reading hers...and I will do my best for mine to be just as entertaining. 

1. what did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? convert to Mac (the computer Jesus would buy-haha). 

2. did you keep your new year's resolution and will you make more for next year? read this blog and it will explain my psychosis. 

3. did anyone close to you give birth? no, BUT my best friend from college, my community group (almost everyone), half of vintage faith is having a baby this year. so THIS is the year of baby showers. 

4. Did anyone close to you die? I dont think so (gosh, I should know this) 

5. what countries did you visit? none...but I did visit the midwest, which is practically another country

6. what would you like in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? to own my own home (can you say "pipe dream"!), an intern, to buy new furniture and better organization and less crap

7. what date in 2007 will be etched upon your memory and why? hmm....well, i'd have to say the first monday after Easter when I came into work (my first day working full time at Vintage) and hearing a schizophrenic lady making noises (really, really loud) and i go outside to check up on her-long story short, I find her in the bathroom (the public bathroom) fully naked, bathing herself. Scarred for life, I walk in on her and (nicely ask her to put her clothes back on) and usher her to our shower in the gym. 

(Later I find out that she is "Bad Crapper" - known for hiding in our building and crapping anywhere-on the floor, on a table-basically anywhere she can squat. Boy, aren't I lucky to walk in on this one!)

(oh gosh, that wasn't even a year ago yet...it feels like 10 years ago)

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year? i have a couple: successfully going to the gym regularly for 10 months out of the past 12 (um...November and December was a wash), the Christmas play "experience", having the energy to go to the Red after the gathering or on a friday night.

9. what was your biggest failure? i think a lot of little ones have added up to "the big one"

10. did you suffer illness or injury? hmm...my usual colds...my funky shoulder issue...i guess thats it (i watched a few of these though)

11. what was the best thing you bought? friends...oh, i mean a pair of A Pockets and lots of food...at restaurants...gosh, that's where most of my money went...

12. where did most of your money go? see number 11.. food. really, honestly, food.

13. what did you get really, really, really, really excited about? hmm...the Christmas Play (experience) for sure...Mike possibly going back to school...having some good friends again 

14. what songs will always remind you of 2007? it was the year of singing bad 80's worship "praise" songs in the office to remind us how far we have grown musically. Maybe we will do a "All 80's" worship gathering this year to get it all out of our system?

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder?  think i am a bit happier. 

thinner or fatter? well, i'm about the same actually. wow, there's nothing like stability

16.  what do you wish you'd done more of? cardio, hosting more get togethers,  hang out with more people that i like, gotten over myself and embrace where I am at in life (which I did in Dec 2007! yay!)

17. what do you wish you would have done less of? caring about what people think of me

 

18. how did you spend Christmas? I plead the 5th

19. did you fall in love in 2007? yeah (with mike... and some jeans...and some cute second hand tops...and a dress...and most of Angi's clothes)

20. how many one-night stands? none

21. What was your favorite TV show? hmm...America's Next Top Model, 24, The Office, My Name is Earl, How I met Your Mother and anything on E! (i know, sad but true)

22. do you hate anyone that you didnt hate this time last year? gosh, hate is such a strong word

23. What was the best book you read in 2007? Living Your Strengths...and Shopaholic Ties the Knot.

 

24. What was your greatest musical discovery of 2007? hmm...gosh, I'm not really sure. I sort of listen to Ben Folds. all. the. time. 2008 will be the year that I break out and find new music. Yes. (any suggestions?)

25. what did you want and get? new jeans, full time job at vintage, a vacation

26. What did you want and not get? more downtime, a book contract, start dancing again, travel overseas, better organization, a new place to live (preferably our own), a double boiler 

27. what was your favorite film this year? Little Miss Sunshine (it probably came out in 2006, but i watched it in 2007)

28. what did you do on your birthday and how old were you? It was SO fun-it was number 2-6! went to the Red (thanks Lizzy!) and had dinner with friends. The day of, i think we went out for dinner with my dad. Big bash for this year! oh yes! Can't wait!!

29. what one thing would have made your year immensely more satisfying? oh, how I agree with Vanessa-a housekeeper

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? you know, part rockabilly, part punk, part prep (i guess?)...you know, the usual. and, again, agreeing with vanessa, it is all about the hair (and I have changed my hair more than my sheets...)

31. what kept you sane? sarcastic jokes, parodying everything, talking in the office (hmm...extravert?), fat tire and/or margaritas and singing

32. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? um, Micheline from America's next top model. She's gorgeous, has cool style, beautiful tattoos. Oh...and Nicole Richie. She looks good with the baby bump and great after rehab...or jail, whichever.

33. what political issue stirred you the most? global warming, hands down (thanks Dan)

34. who did you miss? Nancy, Nicki, Goulet, my maiden name

35. Who was the best new person you met? oh gosh, i dont know this one. I met a lot of cool people. If i met you in 2007, you fit this question. know you are loved.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:  less is more. simplicity is good. holding onto notes from 1996 is not. and really, truly, everything always works out-no need to stress over the little things (i am still learning to apply this to my life). i guess that makes 2 valuable lessons.