Friday, November 27, 2009

so long and thanks for all the fish!

Hey friends from the blog world! Time has come and I am saying goodbye to this blog. As I am starting my new career as a personal trainer, you can follow me here: - I'll be sharing fitness tips and stories from the life as a trainer/mama! Thanks for reading all these years and please follow my new blog!! xoxo!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

guilty as charged

the last few days have been on the emotional side. i have really grown to love Jack. Yes, you know, every mother "loves" their kiddo and I truly have loved my kid from the moment he showed up and was swaddled in my arms. I didn't have any specific attachment to him in the womb. I think it was almost like I had a parasite or an alien growing inside and then you give birth to it (ok, weird concept, I must say). But once he was out of my body and laying on my stomach, I loved him in a true, agape, unconditional love. 

The last few weeks have really been amazing. I have seen him roll over both back to belly and belly to back. I have seen him sit up unassisted for at least a little bit. I have heard his adorable little giggle and have learned how to exactly tickle his chin. He can roll his tongue to tell me he's excited and talk to me when he's playing. My heart aches when he cries and I want to do nothing else but take it away. attached to the little guy. I couldn't even begin to think of life before him. he is the absolute greatest little kid and I am getting to know him and his nuances. I never thought I could be attached to a kid before. But now I am, more than I knew possible. 

In this time of learning how to attach to a child, I have now understood the guilt a parent can feel when you can't give them "the best" (whatever that means) and feel like you are under performing. I have felt really guilty lately about working. I didn't feel that in the first 14 weeks. I enjoyed going back to work, getting a baby break, having 25 hours of solid adult interaction a week. Yes! But in the last 2 weeks, I have felt guilt. I love my kid. And I even like him! (imagine that!). And honestly, I don't want to leave him during the day. But I also feel a big source of fulfillment from work. I feel like a productive person who can contribute more than baby talk and dirty diaper changes. It's been this awkward tug of war in my heart. I love working and yet, I love my son. I love seeing his smile and gurgles. I love how he recognizes me and knows I am Mommy. I hold a special place in his life that no one else can fill. And I hate leaving it more now. It's been so weird. I just love him so much and hear in the back of my mind that as I work I miss out on bonding with him, I miss out on milestones and the guilt sets in. The guilt is enough to rob me of the joy I do find in work. I can't let this keep going and holding me back (not to mention we honestly can't afford for me not to work, even if I didn't find self-fulfillment in work :)).

But, even with me dealing with this false guilt, I think going back to work has made me realize how much I need to cherish the moments I have with him. When I am home, because of the time I am gone, I am present. I am engaged on where he is right now and not on the moments in the future that might be easier or more fun. I also want to bond and grow close to him. He's my baby and he does need me. And I need him. it's so ironic how afraid of the bonding process I was before J was born. But now I embrace it and love it. 

Anyway, all this to say, I have felt a lot of guilt lately, that I am not a good enough mother because I do not have the ability (or the interest) in staying at home full time. I'm trying to not listen to the destructive voice but it's hard. I'm trying to remember that God will redeem this and knows my heart and yet I ache. I don't know what this all means. I am trying to live out my calling as a mother and also as a pastoral figure. It's so weird to be in this juxtaposition. I just don't want to screw J up. 

But, in the meantime, I am going to go to sleep. In the end, at the end of the day, I long to be near my baby so for now, I will sleep my guilt away. 

Friday, May 29, 2009

where has the time gone?

well...I haven't blogged in basically a month because, well, the moments I have are minimal and consumed with other things. I miss blogging and think it will get better has time goes on, but for right now, they are probably going to be a once a month occurrence.

I am sitting in Java Junction, just rocked Jackson to sleep in his car seat and hope he stays asleep long enough for me to finish this post. But my brain doesn't work as fast as it used to, and every brain synapses seems delayed. I have enjoyed my soon-to-be 11 weeks off. (I think it's been 11. I cant count anymore.) I can't believe it has been that long. I probably could take 6 months off and have it fly by, too. I have been dealing with a lot of "enjoy this moment while it lasts" comments. Have I cherished every moment? Honestly, no. I have had my fair share of irritating moments when I can't console Jack or he's pooped on me or spat up on my outfit - twice - and have felt a twinge of, i'm not sure the feeling, but it isn't a happy one. I don't even remember the first 6 weeks. He's already not a newborn anymore. I am packing away his newborn clothes. He's not much of a cuddler, so those days have passed. Can you truly enjoy every moment? I get depressed thinking he'll soon be rolling over, sitting up, walking and talking and then graduate high school. Will I enjoy each moment? I hope so. Will I wish he could be at the next developmental level? Probably. I'm not looking forward to the "why" stage or the black-and-white-concrete-operational stage.

All this to say, I don't know. Enjoying the moment is hard when life moves faster than it ever has before. All I know is that I want him to know in every fiber of his being how much Mike and I love him and how much God loves him. Even when we find ourselves having to discipline or have hard talks. We love him. Jesus loves him. Unconditionally.

I think I will enjoy this moment today, sitting in Java J, loving my little guy. And thankfully, he's still asleep.

little known facts about the bacons

Over memorial day weekend, we had a Bacon family reunion. I had no idea what to expect. I went to one 21 years ago and all I remember is some cousin-like boy following me around and trying to kiss me. I think. Anyway, Mike, Jackson and I took the trek up to Alameda to visit some family.

We arrive and had one heck of a time finding parking within the condo complex, but that's besides the point. Our cousin Marilyn, now in her 60's, has taken a lot of time over the years tracing back our lineage. It's neat-we have a lot of English royalty and heritage traced way back to 1200. We met at her place -a quaint, neat condo near the water.

Our current family is pretty fractured. My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandmother and he got divorced when my dad was a kid. He came from a long line of leavers as well, so it only made sense he would do the same. He died in 2001 from alcohol poisoning. He had 4 siblings that I had yet to meet (unless they were at the reunion when I was 7).

At the reunion was my two uncles; a cousin and her family; my dad, step mom and brother; 2nd cousin Marilyn and Great Uncle Jack. Jack was the oldest of all the Bacon brothers (my grandfather's siblings). I had no idea that I had any other family living from that generation (and really, neither did my dad, which shows the fracture in the family). Jack and the siblings spent some time in Santa Cruz, which I had no idea. Jack actually worked at Horsnyder Pharmacy in the 30's to support the family when my great-grandfather left. As I read over the biography of Jack, I found out he and his family were baptized at a church in Santa Cruz in the early 50's. It was intriguing to me, so I asked Marilyn if she knew which church it was that they were baptized. She responds, "Oh, it was the First Presbyterian Church, the red brick church in Santa Cruz". I respond with an emphatic, "I work there!". This spurs a conversation about the church, the name change, why we don't call ourselves Presbyterian anymore. My uncle, who is maybe spiritual, says, "Coincidence? I think NOT!". I agreed with him, hoping he wasn't being sarcastic and me looking like I don't get the joke. It was so neat to know that we have heritage at the church that extends beyond our generation. Who knows if Jack is a Jesus follower or not but God has used this church in our family more than once now.

On another note, I found out that my great-grandfather was a musician in the silent movies. How cool is that? I have always wondered where my brother and my love for music came from, and only rings truer now the name "the artist formerly known as bacon" as the Bacon's were actually talented. Ha!