Pregnant Diaries: 6 weeks to go (and counting!)

Ok, so after my quick mental breakdown last week about not being ready we had our final (most likely) ultrasound and check up. I've been cramping at night and have had new pains, so I was thinking, "Gosh, he's going to show up early!" Since everything basically hurts these days, early is sounding nice right now. 

Highlight #1: Our baby is cute in the womb. It looks like he has Mike's lips (which I hope all our kids have). He may or may not have Mike's nose-I can't tell at this point (although Mike thinks it is his nose).  He was a little scrunched and had cute puffy cheeks (i think it's from the scrunching). Oh, and he loves to suck his hands. 

Highlight #2: my sister in law, Christa, came to our appointment today and watched him on the big screen. It was really special. We joked about him going to the goat farm with her and coming home with a goat (she likes those animals). No goats. Unless it is at Auntie Christa's.

Highlight #3: I really thought I was going to be at least a little dilated when the doctor checked me today. And that I have dropped. but...i am not. and I have more dropping to do. This really isn't a highlight. More like a lowlight. But it's best for him (not so fun for me).

Highlight #4: Jackson is approximately 4lbs, 8 ounces, is in a perfect head down position and is really healthy. He had some kidney issues at our 20 week ultrasound (which feels like eons ago) but they have been resolved now. 

I am getting more excited to meet him by the day. I am also getting crankier...more tired...less useful...more moody...and can't wait to start losing baby weight. haha! I can't wait to meet the kid with the cute lips that's hanging out in my womb!

Pregnant Diaries: 7 weeks to go...(oh, dear God, help me!)

well, here we are. I remember thinking back in July that January seemed so far away. And now, January has hit me harder than a 2x4 to the head. I am getting a little more tired, a little more moody, and I truly wonder if it is humanly possible for me to carry this baby for another 7 weeks. 

The crazy low back and pelvic pain is back in full force today. I think he's head down and getting ready to come out. And that is why it hurts this much. I'm sure he will be late, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if he will arrive early.  Every movement feels like I am carrying a small cow. He can't really be that big but it just feels like it. I have no idea how I will have room for another 3 or 4 lbs of baby. 

In my crankiness, I am getting tired of being asked, "are you ready?" It's ok, ask me about my weight gain, my aches and pains, my birth plan (or lack there of at this point), how I like my OB, where I will deliver...just don't ask me if I am ready. 

But since we are on that topic...I'm not ready. My body is telling me I am ready with the pain I am feeling but in all reality, I am not ready. Have I picked a pediatrician? No. Is the baby's room cleaned out, sorted, decorated and no longer the storage for over 4 years of crap? No. Have I practiced my breathing techniques, reread the birthing positions, spent time imagining my birth experience? No. Do we have a middle name? No. Have we installed the car seat? No. 

Have I pre-registered at the hospital? No. 

This is as far as we have gotten: the baby's room is full of stuff. Better than it was 2 months ago, but still not functional. We need to make room for the crib and the other things that will go in there (pregnancy brain fart). We still need to get the rocking chair from Mike's grandmother. I am grateful for the things we have so far. We have officially have a car seat, a bassinet for the early days, a changing table that will double as storage, a bag of disposable diapers (just in case), some really cute clothes, piddle pads, a few cloth diapers to try out and a diaper bag.  

But really, it's not about the "room" or the "stuff". I know we will get the necessities and Jackson will totally love it. I guess I am not ready for the huge change of a baby. I love him and can't wait to meet him (and wouldn't mind having her body back, instead of sharing it) but it is such a huge change and my fear of being incompetent and failure is calling me "not ready". What if I can't figure out his needs? What if he cries for hours after birth and I can't calm him? What if he does latch well or doesn't like to be swaddled? what if I am not attached to him? what if...he hates me?

Ok, I'm being crazy irrational right now. I fully know that. 7 weeks to go. Am I ready? Probably not. But I know that I love him, the little quirmer in me and that is enough.  

That is enough.

Pregnant Diaries: Hello, Third Trimester!

The last 29 weeks have flown by. It's crazy to think that I am 7 months pregnant. It's been funny, the last couple of weeks. I have heard about some people finding out they are pregnant...and due in August. I almost laughed out loud because in my head, it's still July and I am living in the shock of having a baby in 9 months and there is NO WAY they are pregnant and due in August. It's just not physically possible! Well, note to self, it's NOT July and you are only 11 weeks from your due date and it IS possible for someone to be pregnant and due in August. 

It feels like he's put on a lot of weight between 25 and 29 weeks. I have been feeling body parts poking out for a couple of weeks now. I think his head is underneath my rib cage and his feet play pitter-patter on my bladder. He must be a drummer. Or a dancer. (I'll take a drummer). 

I've really loved pregnancy. I told Mike a couple of weeks ago that if we lived in the midwest or some place super cheap, I would be a baby maker. (I couldn't really live in the midwest though, so I think we will just stick with 2, living in california). I get why women have kid after kid, especially if they've had it easy. Well, I did have it easy...until 28 weeks. 

BOOM! Here you are, third trimester and you have brought and onslaught of new pain. I literally woke up on my 28th week and had a new pain each day. Hello, back pain and pelvic pain that makes it impossible to walk! Welcome, waddling because it hurts to walk with one foot in front of each other! Welcome back, exhaustion that causes me to have to sit while doing my hair and holds me back from cleaning my house! 

I am really wondering how I will make it another 11 weeks with this. I'm only going to get bigger (I love how I've gotten comments lately of..."wow, do you think you'll make it to March? You're already so big!").  Um, I'm not really THAT big, I'm just not 5'10" and have an extremely long torso to hide a baby until 6 months. Anyway, Life is only going to get crazier (we have Christa's wedding this weekend, Theodyssey retreat the next, and a TON of work to do before I go on maternity leave...including planning for Easter). Mike thinks Jack is going to show up early. I hope so. Not too early, but just right on time, you know? But realistically, he will either catch me off guard and be born at like 37 weeks and I will have not had the time to prepare or he will be ridiculously late and I will be making jokes from upfront on Sundays about wanting this baby out of me (going on 44 weeks, people...someone help!). 

Either way, sometime between now and March 26th, I will have had a baby. I'm excited and definitely looking forward to meeting the little squirmer that's been in me for so long. I just can't believe it's almost here. Wasn't it just October? 

Pregnant Diaries: Preparing for Poop

Ok, so as you know, a baby creates SO much waste its first year of life. Eat, poop, sleep. eat, poop, sleep. Repeat. I am a big believer in doing my part to not kill the environment and...basically, I'm cheap. And I hear cloth diapering is cheaper than disposables and I am just fine going cheap. And if I help the environment at the same time, awesome! :)  

So, I am now preparing for poop. I hope to go cloth most of the time, knowing that disposables will be needed from time to time (long trips, staying at grandpa's house, if he's watched by a non-mom who's weirded out by cloth...you know, those things). I don't plan to use a diaper service, especially when Jack is young and I am home sitting on my butt for 6 weeks (recuperating). I figure...I am really close to the laundry room-I can do my own laundry (Nini...I hope you are not grossed out by this. I will be rinsing them before I wash. And I will be washing them on hot...err...i think). 

So, here's the question-are there any cloth diapering moms out there? If so, which brands and products do you use? Which brands have you liked as a newborn, infant, toddler, etc. I am just trying to...prepare. At least now while I have a couple of bucks to spend :). 

a long december

and it's been a long December and there's reason to believe

maybe this year will be better than the last 

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself 

to hold on to these moments as they pass

-Counting Crows 

I remember my toast from New Year's Eve 2008. "2008 will be great" we all echoed as we clanked glasses and watched the ball drop in New York (3 hours later, of course). 

the next few months flew by. I felt like we were living out the saying although I can't even remember what exactly happened. The next thing I knew, it was Easter, and then April. I then spent a great weekend celebrating the wedding of Tristan and Sara, in a beautiful ceremony and reception in Arroyo Grande, remembering all the great memories I have with my husband. I even titled my photo album "I love April...so far", I guess preparing myself for the other shoe to drop. 

Soon enough, it was May, celebrating birthday #27, with a small group of friends. Made the best sangria I have ever had. :) it was the first time since I left Westgate that I felt like I had a community of friends. That God had brought to me one of my biggest needs and listened to my heart. 

I enjoyed watching time fly. I watched my Nissan of 7 years die, a slow, bitter death, as it lay in my carport for 4 months. It was truly an end of an era: I bought it when I was 20, the first car I bought without the help of my father or another man to help pick it out (on the heels of a break up as well), and felt that I bought a fair, gently used vehicle.  July hit and we bought our first joint vehicle together: 2001 Subaru Outback, our family vehicle for the day that we decided to add to the Martin 2. That was July 11th... and on July 12th, we found out we were starting a family. 

Shock and awe. Shock and awe. Shock and awe. 

That sums up July, August and September.

October and November are a blur to me, as I watched my waistband increase, so did my workload. We had a lot of projects during that time...sanctuary redesign, relaunching our 9AM gathering, artists potluck, Christmas set up...I somehow don't remember how I made it through this insanity. And yet, I did. And the end result was beautiful. During the redesign we moved for the 4th time in our marriage, for good (so i thought). I thought I was going to lose my mind, but somehow, we made it through. I was dreaming about how we would decorate the nursery and how uniquely "us" our new place is. And somewhere in between all of that, we found out we are having a baby boy. We watched him on the ultrasound screen, saw his little face even in 3-D. a baby boy to play with, to chase, to hug, to tickle, to love. We will give him everything we have. 

jackson. our baby jackson.

November left us with the sad note of Mike's 95-year-old grandmother's request for help as her 99-year-old husband fell and was immobile. We dropped our Thanksgiving plans, drove to LA and visited her that night. She shooed us out of the house, telling us that we needed to have a "real" Thanksgiving dinner, passing some money off to us. We drove around Seal Beach about to resign on eating at a gas station, but found a table at Mimi's Cafe. We had our "real" Thanksgiving that night, but thankful, in the end that Grandma was just scared from her beloved's fall, and they will, in the end, be okay for a little while.

As fast at those first 11 months came, the last 2 weeks have been unequally as slow. My first day back in the office after dealing with Grandma's scare, I had my own. The mood was solemn, and I could sense change in the air for weeks now. Each day was like breathing in and out of a balloon-you know something isn't right, but it's something to fill your lungs, something to satiate the innate need of breath, even if it isn't what is truly needed. In the balloon-trapped room, they sat me down. 15 hours less a week you will be working starting January and your workload will change. You will lose your insurance after the baby is born. I'm sorry. 

breathe.

breathe.

breathe.

i lived in shock for about 3 days. I could still be in shock now. I don't know. I've not cried this much since I was a raging, hormonal junior higher, scared to go to school each day for fear of being jumped or stabbed. 

You know, it all makes sense. Economy. It affects all. The things that effect business, effect church. If it effects church, it effects the budget. Which effects salaries. Which effects me. 

Deep down, it effects me at my core. Within Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I am at the bottom. I'm having a baby which changes everything. It changes how I view life. It's changing my values. And it's changing me practically. Every little thing that I was saving for, I can't now. I am 12 weeks away from my due date. I can't afford to take more than 4 weeks off now. We can't stay in our current place, especially after the baby is born, now looking for a room to rent instead of a home. Every little need I could take care of before, I can't now. 

I am scared. I am a scared girl, holding onto whatever I can. Holding onto the only Hope I know.

I feel like December has been in a time warp, where each day goes by slower and each moment that passes by gets harder. A feeling that 2008 may never end. The first 11 months were so good and went by so fast...and now I am realizing how much I took the good for granted. I'm just trying to breathe each breath now with thankfulness. Slow down and enjoy. And truly, although I am scared and have more unknowns than I have experienced in 4 years, I'm finding this time beautiful. Scary but beautiful. 

It's been a long December, but there is hope. 

i feel like all I have left in my hands are love and hope. The love and support and care of the Vintage community. How I need it more than ever. The love of my family. The love from Mike and Jackson.  My love for all of the above. And...hope. Hope that God will take care of my needs...our needs. Hope for a change and a future brighter than what I could ever paint. Hope for the tangible to be met and the intangible to change me for the better. for the sake of others. for the sake of God.

Hope that this year will be better than the last. 

Pregnant Diaries: Childbirth...part deux

Well...I must say, childbirth class (now that Mike is there) has been a breeze. So much easier to cope in fake labor knowing he is there. I have yet to make life long relationships with any of these people, but they all seem nice and excited about having a baby. One girl, who is due a month before me is having twin boys. (She also looks about 5 years younger than me, but that's beside the point). It's interesting to see people carry differently, gain weight differently, and overall have a different pregnancy than others. My belly has grown a bit since last week, but I feel a little self conscious. I am sure my belly will expand after Thanksgiving next week!

Ok, so question to my mom friends out there. Does anyone have recommendations on books on birthing and natural childbirth? How about books on preparing your birth partner? I am hoping to go a long way without drugs, if not all the way, but I need all the resources I can get. What are your thoughts?

Pregnant Diaries: Childbirth Class - week 1

Well, you know that you are having a baby for real when you sign up for a childbirth class. It sinks into deep reality when you actually show up to class (in all fear and trembling). "They" say you should take a class in your second trimester, when you are more comfortable and have energy, so we signed up for a class at Sutter Hospital in August, when we were just starting the second trimester. I remember thinking, "gosh, November is so far away. I'm sure I'll be huge by then" looking down at my lack of a belly bump. Well, time flies (in case you haven't heard) and here we are, in November, and here I am, taking a childbirth class. 

It was a nice Wednesday night. Unfortunately, Mike had the flu so he ended up staying home that night. I show up a few minutes early, sign in on the little "sign in" sheet and sit down. I look down at my syllabus for the class, try not to hyperventilate, realizing that I am sure I look like a single mom whose boyfriend left her at the moment she shared the news with him (nothing wrong with that, but just saying) and scan the room. Everyone looks more pregnant than me (for the record, it was cold so I layered that day, which I am sure played a factor in my lack of bump and all the ladies were all due earlier than me). Everyone. Even the men. There is only one other lady without a spousal/partner unit there and she came in late so we didn't have a chance to really say hi. I realize I probably look like a crazy who "shows" up to these things, psychologically thinking she is pregnant but isn't and just had a really big burrito for dinner that night. 

So, the first thing she makes us do it mingle. Ok, I know I make everyone mingle at Vintage at times and it can be super, duper awkward. I really do know and feel your pain. But there is NOTHING more awkward than having to play "baby bingo" with 18 couples who are much farther along than me, who are all thinking I'm a crazy who shows up at baby classes who probably has never been pregnant her life. Everyone was really nice, but I can't help but wonder what they were thinking. And all I think about is during this time of forced socialization is that I want the class to actually start and talk about the important things coming up, not playing bingo (for no prize, mind you) with men and women with real bumps. 

Anyway, the rest of the class does go by quickly, with large diagrams of full term babies, a video of the stages of labor (even including a crotch shot of a baby coming out! The mom cries, "that doesn't look like a baby!" when asked to look down at it), a time of class discussion, mostly talking about the questions the men had. Everything was going smoothly, practicing some breathing techniques until in came to a screeching halt. Time to practice partner-led breathing. Oh crap. 

I look for my single mom compadre and we both give each other the "want to be my partner?" look and we get settled to practice. But before we start, the instructor comes over to us and says, "so, you're flying solo tonight?" "Yes", we both reply. Then she splits us up, my friend practicing with someone's 2nd birth coach (yep, she brought 2) and I end up being teacher's example. 

Honestly, it was nice having her as the one to teach me the technique, because in turn I had to go home and teach it to Mike. At least she knows what she is doing. But it was also weird knowing that the whole class was probably watching me to make sure they were doing the technique right. Luckily, class ended right after that and I split as soon as I could and got out of there.

So that was my first week's experience. Can't wait for next Wednesday! I am thinking it could only go up from here, right?  

Where have I been...?

Well, I must confess I have not blogged (really) in the long time. Here and there, thoughts popped into my mind but no time to actually blog. So, how was the month of October in Sarahland? Here's a synopsis of the last month. 

Early October: Find out that we have been accepted for a (bigger! cheaper!) apartment down the street. Jump on that. Start packing the house. Start Theodyssey. Get really excited to feel like I am at school again. My mom comes over to help me pack. I get stuck in the packing process. 

Mid October: Decide that moving during the sanctuary redesign while having a baby would be a really fun thing to do. Spend 11 hours telling people to rip out pews, build staging, set up chairs. Then get up the next morning and run gatherings. Decide to do it again the next weekend and set up curtains, prayer stations and more set up. Get up the next morning and run our first 9am gathering. Decide to never do a major remodel at work and move at the same time while pregnant.

Late October: Spend exactly one week without the internet or cable at my house. Try to figure out what to do with all the spare time. Sleep when not cleaning or moving. Spend 2 weeks packing, moving (what I actually can move), cleaning (what I can) at our old house, realize that I love our new house all the more. Mom comes over and helps again. I finally have the internet and cable. Slightly miss my fast. Decide to not go over to the other house unless I have to. Do a walk through with landlords after complying a few times to let them show the house at inconvenient times. Smile politely and cross my fingers that the house is in an ok enough situation to rent (it's so subjective, you know?). Do another walk through and find out we had more cleaning to do. Spend four hours cleaning the carport and vacuuming plus other things that Mike did. Crash. Wake up the next morning to hear that we will receive our full deposit back. Realize that working hard does pay off. 

So that has been my month. I am utterly exhausted both at work and at home right now. I'm barely functional. But I figure this is just training ground for when I have an infant and work full time so I better not complain. 

So now, I am going to now turn back our clocks and get my extra hour of sleep that I dreadfully need right now. But before I go, I will leave you with this...

Pregnant Diaries: gender dreams

Ok, so it has been a little while since I last blogged. I will blog about my absence later. But in the meantime...I am currently 20 weeks along, halfway done with the pregnancy, and we find out the gender THIS THURSDAY! (as long as it isn't shy or decides to be a pain at the ultrasound).  It's been a long 4 weeks waiting for this!!

So, last night I had a dream about our sonogram. Mike and I were watching on our cool little screen, so excited to be there and see our baby again and the baby gave a wide open view...of a prenatal wiener. I was thinking, "duh...it's a boy!" So, we leave the appointment and I tell Anne, my friend who just had a baby boy in July and showed her a picture of the ultrasound (the boy was wide open, doing the splits-you couldn't miss it). She was ecstatic. End of dream. 

So, was this a prophetic dream? Will I be taking this kid to baseball practice and have to monitor video game intake? We have a pool going on at work-it's about 50/50 split. we shall see thursday!!

Pregnant diaries: Nesting...already?

Ok, the day leading up to the night of the horrible dream that woke me up at 3:30 am was probably the most fun I have had yet being pregnant. I had basically drank my first cup of coffee in, well, 2 months and had a day full of meetings which charged me up and I was rarin' to go when I got home. I knew there would be a chance we could be moving down the street and I was manic all day. I realized that I needed to harness this enormous amount of energy I somehow acquired and decided to go through our back closet, which has been full of boxes since July 2006. I haven't even looked at it since. 

I love caffeine. I went through 4 boxes in 3 hours that night and had so much energy, I could have kept going through things until the drugs wore off. But, needless to say, I was freaking out Mike who had a conversation with someone the day before who mentioned..."Sarah's going to change. She will be a different person the next 6 months and there is nothing you can do about it. So find an outlet." Lo and behold, he had his first interaction with Manic Sarah the very next day. 

I tried to recreate the amount of energy I had on Tuesday today, had a quick latte at the Abbey and went home to take over the world...and it just didn't work. I feel like i have been faking it. I have gone through more boxes and bags (because we are in fact moving down the street, super excited about that!) today but it's been lackluster. Oh, weird nesting energy, where did you go? Could you come back today? I have more to do!! 

Attention Moms - want your input!

Ok, so as I progress in this whole pregnancy thing, I am realizing there is SO MUCH STUFF out there for a baby that been in the world for like, 30 days. It's amazing. I am slightly overwhelmed by all the possibilities. So...as I start to put together the registry, here is the question: what shwag has been the best investment for you for the first year? I mean, there are bottle warmers, wipe warmers, swings, bouncers, jumpers, mobiles, you name it, they have made it. What actually worked for you? What did you think was not worth the time? I'd love to have your thoughts as I am so...brand new to all of this! 

pregnant diaries: protection

something odd happened to me last night. around 3:30 in the morning, I woke up in this panicky, full-of-adrenaline feeling pumping through my body after a bad dream that kept me up for hours afterward. I had a dream that my brother fell in the shower and lost his leg in the shower (I know, this could probably never happen). He started screaming for my mom (luckily, she was there in my dream), but I came racing in to help in this protective way, and the feelings I felt were as if it were real and Greg was actually my child. 

Ok, this is straight up weird. I have never been the "motherly" type. I just said to someone how much I will take from my parents parenting style and I won't shelter our child, that the kid will be loved but given plenty of room to learn on their own, that I want them to see the world as it is, not some rosy picture I ideally paint that gets crushed at 16 when their first boyfriend dumps them (or realistically, at 11). This person had said that I was in denial about the real feelings and issues I had about my parents parenting (for those who know my parents, they are wonderful, godly people now but I grew up in a pretty non-traditional, dysfunctional household). It's like this is manifesting in my dreams as I sleep at night. These new feelings I had never felt before are coming out. I feel like I have been injected with something. It's honestly, really scary to feel something you have never felt before. Protection is something that pumped through my veins at 3:30 this morning that kept me up for 2 hours. Protection is something that I needed as a kid, but did not know it and pushed it away. Something I will feel for years to come.

I feel like I am Ben Stiller in the movie "Zoolander" as he looks down into a reflection of a puddle and asks, "Who am I?" Except I am not a male supermodel. Didn't just lose a modeling award. And don't plan on working in a coal mine anytime soon.

A Quick Analysis on the New Gavin Rossdale Song

Ok, I am not usually this picky about music (ok, I really am, I will be honest) but I have noticed two things about this new song. As you may know, Gavin Rossdale was the lead singer of the mid-90's band, Bush, who had major success in the alternative air waves, then met Gwen Stefani, decided to date, get married and be a house husband while Gwen toured the world with all her CD's she has made with her band No Doubt and in her solo career. If you remember, Gavin was a hot commodity in the 90's with all the alterna-chicks and post grunge kids. I was a big, big fan. 

Now, about 12 years later, he has released his first solo album (that I am aware of) with a hit song called "Love Remains the Same". My experience with this song has been on 1) soft rock radio stations and 2) TV commercials for "The Biggest Loser" and a new movie with Richard Gere and some other middle aged lady as they dance on the beach in their cashmere sweaters. Now, I know this pins me as a soft rock listener (only when I am stuck in traffic as they are the only stations that offer traffic updates) and a commercial watcher (i do watch TV, I will be honest), but I will let you be the judge.

But here's my question-has Gavin just sold out to what would make him a little bit of money? Or maybe he's aged and this is his new market? OR there are no other good songs for commercials since the Jay Leno lookalike from American Idol who sang the jingle the Ford commercials? Maybe some of these artists are not wanting to go the way of the commercial jingle or maybe commercial marketers are very particular whose songs they pick? Either way, I am a little sad to see Gavin Rossdale go the way of the middle aged movie and letting go of his youth. Yet...it was 12 years ago and well, things change. We age. And so does Gavin.

Pregnant Diaries: First Belly Rub by a Stranger

Ok, so this is a complaint for some, some find it endearing. I was in my chiropractor's office who shares an office with a cute older midwife. She seems so sweet. There was a lady who had a newborn (like under 8 weeks) with her. Somehow or another, I find myself in conversation with those ladies, who ends up asking how far along I am. The midwife, who probably touches bellies on a daily basis, touches mine ever so briefly and says, "what...16 weeks?" I'm a bit caught off guard thinking i might look farther along than I actually am, I correct her and say, "14 weeks actually" and then I was ushered into my chiropractor's office. It was a brief interaction but has now been a life altering experience as I know it will only get worse from here.

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this. It wasn't a TOTAL stranger-I mean she's a midwife, and touches bellies all the time, but was totally caught off guard since I was not her patient and I am not protruding like a true, full term pregnant woman. I am slightly flattered. Slightly weirded out. Slightly intrigued. Slightly excited for the many more hands to touch the Martin baby. Slightly freaked out by all the guys who hit on pregnant women and wonder if I am next (I'm not kidding, I have seen it in action). But in the mean time, I am going to relish in this new milestone - I have officially had my belly touched by a stranger. 

Pregnant Diaries: Trimester 1

Well...yep, it's official. We are having a little thing called a baby. Honestly, exciting yes, but freaks me out. A little child that will need ME for the next 18-24 years (or beyond???) well, it's a bit scary but I'm taking the plunge and figured if I can't beat 'em, I'll join 'em. 

How I am feeling: Well, i'm nauseous every morning and have to eat the second I wake up. I have the hiccups more now than I ever have in the past. I get "one-liners" now-1 hiccup that is so loud that it could wake the dead, and then I'm done. I have a nose that can smell B.O., bad breath and any other gross bodily function from a million miles away. I literally almost threw up in line at Longs because of someone's bad breath behind me. That was a bad, bad day. Oh, I almost forgot-I sleep so much that I don't have a social life at all. Like 10-12 hours a day plus an afternoon nap (yawn). I feel like I am reverting to childhood. 

How I am doing: really, i am doing pretty well. I think i might still be in shock, but that's ok. Until I am officially showing, I don't think it will set in. And, I am a little freaked out by the fact that I will gain weight. I know, it's inevitable, it's just, well, counterintuitive to me. But hey, whatever is best for baby. I'm getting excited to meet the little spawn of Mike and me. What will it look like? Will it have Mike's haircut and my english toes? Will it be blonde like we were as kids and get Mike's curly hair during puberty? will it be taller than me? Will it come out with horns and a tail? Or worse yet, a Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater tied around it's shoulders, polo shirt and khaki pants, never cracking a joke in its whole entire life? Oh boy. I know, so many things to think about. All I am hoping for is that it's healthy, has Mike's intelligence and my sense of humor (or Mike's. As long as it's funny. That is all that matters).

Ultrasound: That was really crazy. We watched it and it already has symptoms of ADD. It lounged, flipped, sat on the other side, got on it's knees, waved...it was a trip. Our technician kept saying, "you have a rockstar in there!" over and over. Oh boy. The technician said she doesn't give 100% gender descriptions this early, but she thought she had seen some male genitalia. There's a picture that on the bottom, which has an arrow pointing to the possible...manhood. You can be the judge and we will see in 7 weeks if that is so!

i. am. going. insane.

If you have ever been to my house, you might know that I live across the street from a trailer park. Well, the park owners thought that it would really be amazing to repave the park as a sign of goodwill and cheer. About 3 weeks ago, I woke up to amazingly large trucks which sounded like they were right outside my window. At 6:55 a.m. It was a Friday, the one day of the week where I can sleep in a bit. 

Well, the last two or three weeks have been slightly torturous. I wake up in the morning, by 7 a.m., to the sound of trucks entering their driveway, horrible smells from who knows where, and easily 25 cars parked all along Mar Vista. Even people parked in my own alley way for over 2 weeks now! We left for vacation for 5 days and thought maybe they would be finished. We came home only to find it even worse than before we left. It had looked like they hadn't done anything. 

Anyway, all of this to say, it's disrupted my flow. Yes, I would wake up to the garbage truck once a week, or have had people park in my alley way before, but this has been ongoing. Never have I seen so many cars displaced from their homes. I'm sure this must be an inconvenience to those who are patiently waiting to get their car back in their driveway. I know, I know, I just be lucky that it's a repaving project with large trucks and not military tanks or bombs dropping from the sky. Hey, I know it could be worse. But it's slightly inconvenient to try to not hit the car parked behind me as I leave my driveway or hear "beep, beep, beep, beep" for 15 days now. Thankfully, it looks like they might be finishing up today (see images above). But I think if I hear any more reverse beeps, I might go insane.  

10 Reasons Why I Like the Olympics

10. The smorgasbord of events that happen during the day. Yes, I hate basketball, but I know if I grin and bear it for a little while, something actually interesting will come on in the next hour or so. Say, synchro diving.

9. The fact that it is held all over the world each Olympic year. I think it is so neat to see so many nations come to one particular spot for 2 weeks. And the fact that cities beat each other to be the Olympic city. It's a war out there, people.

8. Who knew that "recognised sports" of the International Olympic Committee range from the typical (track and field, aquatics) to the...unusual (billiards, orienteering, tug of war, wushu). They may not actually compete in the 2008 games, but dang it, they are recognized!

7. I am usually on vacation during the olympic games, watching it on another TV other than my own, usually somewhere warm.

6. I feel a little bit better about my TV watching during this time than others-I mean, it's history in the making as I watch someone break a world record (much better than watching Project Runway reruns or "Jon and Kate plus 8" for the fifth time in a day).

5. Call me a dork, but I love the hype. And there is usually some kind of drama. I like drama. From far away and someone else living it out for me.

4. David Letterman's top 10 countdown is usually hilarious during the Olympics, when I can stay up late enough to watch it.

3. 3 words: Opening Ceremony outfits.

2. The fierceness of Rhythmic Gymnastics. Now that is a hard core sport. You can just feel Zoolander-esque staredowns.

1. The fact that it is only 2 weeks. Really, if it was 4 weeks or 8 weeks or 6 months of fierce competition, would we really look forward to the next four years (well 2 years for winter), like a lady in waiting? 

I don't think so.

Blog...I Have Neglected You

Blog, I am so sorry. I haven't been spending quality time with you lately. You see, life gets so crazy and the weeks pass by and before I know it, I am away from the computer for days on end (vacation)...I mean, we all need a vacation, Blog. Believe me, every night as I go to sleep I think, "I should have spent some time with Blog today". I do miss you and think about you a lot. And I apologize for not being present right now. Life is just nuts, man, it is. I want more spare time, but I can't find it. And I mean, the Olympics is on. That's only once every 4 YEARS. 

So, Blog, I just want to let you know that when I am back from vacation, I will give you all the quality time you need. I will sit down with a cup of tea, listen to your feelings, and reconcile our relationship. Blog, I will see you in a week.

quick rant on politics.

Well, happy freaking 4th of July! I am awake at 12:20 a.m. because my "cute" neighbors are having a fireworks competition literally 15 feet from my house. What a fun way to celebrate the independence of this little country called the United States of America (a.k.a. "America, U.S.A., the U.S., united states, consumeristic country of the world, fill in the blank). Anyway, this day is a big day in the history of our country (so they say) and I have been thinking alot about the "p" word lately. 

Obama and McCain are vying for our votes. That is great. And I have always tried to vote in a sense, as a conscience clearing time. I think...ok, i have done my research, I think I am voting how God would want me to vote, my friends are probably thinking the same things I am thinking, you know-a sigh of relief. "Ahhhhh, ok, the duty is DONE, and I hope it matters". I would walk away feeling that I voted on my morals and ethics. Spending my duty, my half an hour in a cubby hole punching in my vote based on what I believe in on a larger, intrinsic level. And I still think I might do that-but do I vote on these larger principles even when it is an inconvenience to me?

Someone said to me, after being against universal health care for many years say, "Is it bad that I am for universal health care now that I am uninsurable?" I know this person was joking and wasn't necessarily he would base his vote on his current condition in the insurance coverage...but I can't help but think that there was a twinge in him thinking...I can't be covered now...maybe that something is better than nothing. I'm not arguing if universal health care is good, or bad, or indifferent...but that we vote mostly based on what's in it for us.

Take for instance..the multimillionaire who doesn't want to pay large taxes. This person will obviously not vote for someone who will raise their particular taxes.  The welfare mom...will probably not vote for someone who will cut welfare spending. The sick woman who has not had health coverage due to a preexisting condition will probably vote in favor for universal healthcare or something of the like. We think and vote according to our life, our lifestyle, and what will make US where ever we are at, the happiest and most comfortable. 

A few questions come to mind as we look at who we will vote for this coming fall. First is...are we thinking about what they repercussions of our vote will take on ALL the country? Every citizen? Even those without a vote? What impact will it have? Maybe a lot of us are thinking about this and make super educated votes, but mostly, I vote half-assed (excuse my language but there is no other euphemism for this), not taking the time to know all the issues and how it affects everyone in this country.

secondly...am I willing to stand for morals or ethics even if it means I am less comfortable? Am I willing to be selfless at the voting booth? Am I willing to sacrifice for something knowing I would not benefit? The example comes to mind is the call for caring for the poor. If it means I am taxed higher than ever, am I ok with this or will I dump my morals when it gets hard or impacts my life? Most likely...I'd look for the easy way out.

Mainly...I realized this week (maybe a little later than others) that voting is SO subjective. I want to know so badly how Jesus would have voted. If so, I'd just vote party line! I hope I am guided by scriptures and vote biblically and selflessly. But really, we have our own lens. Our own context we are making decisions in. With or without a Jesus filter to guide us. Each person comes from a different experience, a different socioeconomic lifestyle, a different place in life. Some of us will make the most objective vote as possible this Fall, but really, there is so much subjectivity within our objective vote that we can't help but vote for what benefits us. It's our nature. It's what our country was really founded on.. The life, liberty and pursuit of happiness sure looks different from the eyes of a business tycoon than a homeless man. 

Happy independence day, friends. 

 

what is your worldview?

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