Wednesday, September 24, 2008

pregnant diaries: protection

something odd happened to me last night. around 3:30 in the morning, I woke up in this panicky, full-of-adrenaline feeling pumping through my body after a bad dream that kept me up for hours afterward. I had a dream that my brother fell in the shower and lost his leg in the shower (I know, this could probably never happen). He started screaming for my mom (luckily, she was there in my dream), but I came racing in to help in this protective way, and the feelings I felt were as if it were real and Greg was actually my child. 

Ok, this is straight up weird. I have never been the "motherly" type. I just said to someone how much I will take from my parents parenting style and I won't shelter our child, that the kid will be loved but given plenty of room to learn on their own, that I want them to see the world as it is, not some rosy picture I ideally paint that gets crushed at 16 when their first boyfriend dumps them (or realistically, at 11). This person had said that I was in denial about the real feelings and issues I had about my parents parenting (for those who know my parents, they are wonderful, godly people now but I grew up in a pretty non-traditional, dysfunctional household). It's like this is manifesting in my dreams as I sleep at night. These new feelings I had never felt before are coming out. I feel like I have been injected with something. It's honestly, really scary to feel something you have never felt before. Protection is something that pumped through my veins at 3:30 this morning that kept me up for 2 hours. Protection is something that I needed as a kid, but did not know it and pushed it away. Something I will feel for years to come.

I feel like I am Ben Stiller in the movie "Zoolander" as he looks down into a reflection of a puddle and asks, "Who am I?" Except I am not a male supermodel. Didn't just lose a modeling award. And don't plan on working in a coal mine anytime soon.

2 comments:

Michelle said...

Pregnancy certainly does bring up alot of those feelings, and makes you deal with some things head on. The good thing is that you have the chance to do that now. I had a similar but different experience in my 1st pregnancy, and I wrestled and wrestled with an issue until one morning, I just got up and wrote it all out in a strongly worded letter, in red pen, and by the time the letter was done being written, the thing was resolved. I never wrestled with it again.
Also, pregnancy causes strange, vivid dreams. It's true! :-)

Charlie said...

I was a total basketcase during pregnancy.

Just don't be like me and paint your bathroom orange.