so long and thanks for all the fish!

Hey friends from the blog world! Time has come and I am saying goodbye to this blog. As I am starting my new career as a personal trainer, you can follow me here: fitmamacita.wordpress.com - I'll be sharing fitness tips and stories from the life as a trainer/mama! Thanks for reading all these years and please follow my new blog!! xoxo!

guilty as charged

the last few days have been on the emotional side. i have really grown to love Jack. Yes, you know, every mother "loves" their kiddo and I truly have loved my kid from the moment he showed up and was swaddled in my arms. I didn't have any specific attachment to him in the womb. I think it was almost like I had a parasite or an alien growing inside and then you give birth to it (ok, weird concept, I must say). But once he was out of my body and laying on my stomach, I loved him in a true, agape, unconditional love. 

The last few weeks have really been amazing. I have seen him roll over both back to belly and belly to back. I have seen him sit up unassisted for at least a little bit. I have heard his adorable little giggle and have learned how to exactly tickle his chin. He can roll his tongue to tell me he's excited and talk to me when he's playing. My heart aches when he cries and I want to do nothing else but take it away. I...am...totally attached to the little guy. I couldn't even begin to think of life before him. he is the absolute greatest little kid and I am getting to know him and his nuances. I never thought I could be attached to a kid before. But now I am, more than I knew possible. 

In this time of learning how to attach to a child, I have now understood the guilt a parent can feel when you can't give them "the best" (whatever that means) and feel like you are under performing. I have felt really guilty lately about working. I didn't feel that in the first 14 weeks. I enjoyed going back to work, getting a baby break, having 25 hours of solid adult interaction a week. Yes! But in the last 2 weeks, I have felt guilt. I love my kid. And I even like him! (imagine that!). And honestly, I don't want to leave him during the day. But I also feel a big source of fulfillment from work. I feel like a productive person who can contribute more than baby talk and dirty diaper changes. It's been this awkward tug of war in my heart. I love working and yet, I love my son. I love seeing his smile and gurgles. I love how he recognizes me and knows I am Mommy. I hold a special place in his life that no one else can fill. And I hate leaving it more now. It's been so weird. I just love him so much and hear in the back of my mind that as I work I miss out on bonding with him, I miss out on milestones and the guilt sets in. The guilt is enough to rob me of the joy I do find in work. I can't let this keep going and holding me back (not to mention we honestly can't afford for me not to work, even if I didn't find self-fulfillment in work :)).

But, even with me dealing with this false guilt, I think going back to work has made me realize how much I need to cherish the moments I have with him. When I am home, because of the time I am gone, I am present. I am engaged on where he is right now and not on the moments in the future that might be easier or more fun. I also want to bond and grow close to him. He's my baby and he does need me. And I need him. it's so ironic how afraid of the bonding process I was before J was born. But now I embrace it and love it. 

Anyway, all this to say, I have felt a lot of guilt lately, that I am not a good enough mother because I do not have the ability (or the interest) in staying at home full time. I'm trying to not listen to the destructive voice but it's hard. I'm trying to remember that God will redeem this and knows my heart and yet I ache. I don't know what this all means. I am trying to live out my calling as a mother and also as a pastoral figure. It's so weird to be in this juxtaposition. I just don't want to screw J up. 

But, in the meantime, I am going to go to sleep. In the end, at the end of the day, I long to be near my baby so for now, I will sleep my guilt away. 

where has the time gone?

well...I haven't blogged in basically a month because, well, the moments I have are minimal and consumed with other things. I miss blogging and think it will get better has time goes on, but for right now, they are probably going to be a once a month occurrence.

I am sitting in Java Junction, just rocked Jackson to sleep in his car seat and hope he stays asleep long enough for me to finish this post. But my brain doesn't work as fast as it used to, and every brain synapses seems delayed. I have enjoyed my soon-to-be 11 weeks off. (I think it's been 11. I cant count anymore.) I can't believe it has been that long. I probably could take 6 months off and have it fly by, too. I have been dealing with a lot of "enjoy this moment while it lasts" comments. Have I cherished every moment? Honestly, no. I have had my fair share of irritating moments when I can't console Jack or he's pooped on me or spat up on my outfit - twice - and have felt a twinge of, i'm not sure the feeling, but it isn't a happy one. I don't even remember the first 6 weeks. He's already not a newborn anymore. I am packing away his newborn clothes. He's not much of a cuddler, so those days have passed. Can you truly enjoy every moment? I get depressed thinking he'll soon be rolling over, sitting up, walking and talking and then graduate high school. Will I enjoy each moment? I hope so. Will I wish he could be at the next developmental level? Probably. I'm not looking forward to the "why" stage or the black-and-white-concrete-operational stage.

All this to say, I don't know. Enjoying the moment is hard when life moves faster than it ever has before. All I know is that I want him to know in every fiber of his being how much Mike and I love him and how much God loves him. Even when we find ourselves having to discipline or have hard talks. We love him. Jesus loves him. Unconditionally.

I think I will enjoy this moment today, sitting in Java J, loving my little guy. And thankfully, he's still asleep.

little known facts about the bacons

Over memorial day weekend, we had a Bacon family reunion. I had no idea what to expect. I went to one 21 years ago and all I remember is some cousin-like boy following me around and trying to kiss me. I think. Anyway, Mike, Jackson and I took the trek up to Alameda to visit some family.

We arrive and had one heck of a time finding parking within the condo complex, but that's besides the point. Our cousin Marilyn, now in her 60's, has taken a lot of time over the years tracing back our lineage. It's neat-we have a lot of English royalty and heritage traced way back to 1200. We met at her place -a quaint, neat condo near the water.

Our current family is pretty fractured. My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandmother and he got divorced when my dad was a kid. He came from a long line of leavers as well, so it only made sense he would do the same. He died in 2001 from alcohol poisoning. He had 4 siblings that I had yet to meet (unless they were at the reunion when I was 7).

At the reunion was my two uncles; a cousin and her family; my dad, step mom and brother; 2nd cousin Marilyn and Great Uncle Jack. Jack was the oldest of all the Bacon brothers (my grandfather's siblings). I had no idea that I had any other family living from that generation (and really, neither did my dad, which shows the fracture in the family). Jack and the siblings spent some time in Santa Cruz, which I had no idea. Jack actually worked at Horsnyder Pharmacy in the 30's to support the family when my great-grandfather left. As I read over the biography of Jack, I found out he and his family were baptized at a church in Santa Cruz in the early 50's. It was intriguing to me, so I asked Marilyn if she knew which church it was that they were baptized. She responds, "Oh, it was the First Presbyterian Church, the red brick church in Santa Cruz". I respond with an emphatic, "I work there!". This spurs a conversation about the church, the name change, why we don't call ourselves Presbyterian anymore. My uncle, who is maybe spiritual, says, "Coincidence? I think NOT!". I agreed with him, hoping he wasn't being sarcastic and me looking like I don't get the joke. It was so neat to know that we have heritage at the church that extends beyond our generation. Who knows if Jack is a Jesus follower or not but God has used this church in our family more than once now.

On another note, I found out that my great-grandfather was a musician in the silent movies. How cool is that? I have always wondered where my brother and my love for music came from, and only rings truer now the name "the artist formerly known as bacon" as the Bacon's were actually talented. Ha!

25 seconds

Ok, I have about 25 seconds to blog before Jackito wakes up and asks politely to be fed. Hmm...what do I blog about? Swine Flu (H1R1 or whatever the politically correct name is now)? Arlen Specter moving to the other side of the aisle? Sarah Jessica Parker and her twins via surrogate? Hmm...no time for that. Too long of a subject for the amount of time given. I shall share with you my life over the last 6 weeks (namely, the last 3 days in particular).

a day of the life mama martin
3:00-5:00am: somewhere in this time frame, Jack realizes a) his is sitting in an incredible amount of pee and b) he's thinking about eating carpet fuzz he's so hungry. I, after realizing he's been fussing for probably 5-10 minutes, drags Mike out of bed to change him.

3:00: Dad changes him as I get ready to feed while Jack screams his head off.
3:10: Feed him for around an hour, of which I am awake for 10. turn on the TV for stimulation to stay awake. Wake up to my own head bobs.

4:30-6:30am: Between this time, Jack decides if he will go back to sleep or pull out the torture method of staying up this wee early. Lately he's decided that 4:30 is suitable wake up call and I've been up with him. Dad sleeps before getting ready for work most days and I watch plenty of the morning news. If he does go back to sleep...it's not for long.

5:00-7:00am: repeat the cycle of 3:00-5:00am.

9:30am: Dad leaves for work...i.e. Jack has separation anxiety. He loves Daddy, which is real cute...up to hour 5 of fussing or crying for no apparent reason.

9:00am-6:00pm: repeat cycle of 3:00-5:00 am at least 4 times (without Daddy Diaper Service available). Usually this cycle continues without a nap. Or at most 15-30 minutes if I am lucky. One day, I had a full hour. It was bliss.

1:00pm: meet up with Dad for lunch. Try to throw together a sandwich between cries 1 and 2, and diaper change 2 and 3 of this cycle.

2:00-4:00pm: try to run an errand or two. Jack does great with this-loves the car, loves motion and he might even get a nap in, too! we work well on accomplishing the goals of the day this way. He's like his mother-hates being couped up in the house.

6:00pm: Dad comes home. As he walks in the door, I pass baby off to Dad and go for a run.

6:00-9:00pm: repeat eat and poop cycles above. One of us attempts to make dinner while the other plays with the baby. I am usually the one in the kitchen. Jack is obviously tired at this point in time and tries to keep his heavy eyelids open. Doesnt work well, and he crashes sometime during this point. We silently pray for a 5-8 hour stretch of sleep.

9:00-11:00pm: look at the dirty dishes and give it considerable thought about cleaning but instead watch either: the biggest loser, america's next top model, the Thursday night NBC lineup, or something on Bravo. Well...that is what I do. Mike plays WoW. Try to clean between commercials. Have an adult conversation.

11:00pm: lately Jack's been dumping this night feeding and sleeping until the 3-5am wake up call, but every once in a while, he wants to eat with Jay Leno.

repeat cycle everyday.

Well, ok, I'll confess, this was not written in 25 seconds. It was written during the course of the morning, in between cries, poops and feedings. Well...dirty diaper is calling.

Disposable Diaper Hell

Well, my little man has decided that anytime he pees, he MUST be changed right away. So, because of my little man's new pee episodes, he is using many more cloth diapers than originally. So, last night we ran out of diapers (we are using a service) so I went to the store to buy some disposables in the meantime. Every mom I talk to says, "just go with the Pampers-don't bother with the other brands". So, I, as a good mom, listen to my friends who dispose of their diapers and

buy the top of the line diapers. It'll work just as well as cloth, right?

well, last was fine. no issues. he didn't poo really, but I figured that it would be just fine. Mister I-decided-that-four-in-the-morning-is-my-wake-up-call was ever so cranky from being overly tired and constipated. We went for a 45 minute drive during lunch to catch some zzz's (he slept at most an hour today-makes for tired mommy and tired baby). After lunch with dad, I picked him up and realized he finally went #2. YAY!!! Then I felt something wet...and smelled, well, poo-like...and here we are, our first true blow out.

Ok, I think to myself, it's just the fact that he had a LOT in there and that is why he blew out of the diaper. I get home only to find out it's ONLY around the edges. No, nothing in the actual diaper portion. All on the edges and up his back. And, to top it all, he stained his insert to the car seat.

Well, I clean up my outrageously cranky child and put him in the swing for a moment while I clean up the mess. He starts to fuss again, so I sit and sing to him next to him in the swing, only to realize he blew out of the disposable AGAIN. I'm thinking, THIS one will be good. It has to be! I pick him up and find that the SAME thing happened AGAIN. I am thinking I have a botched set of diapers. I clean him up again and attempt to put him back in the swing to find out that he blew out onto the swing seat. Now THAT is talent! Now my ever so cranky kid needed to be put down so I could clean up the spot on the swing but would only be happy in the swing...ugh. Anyway, I never have these issues with cloth at all. I have never stained an outfit with cloth. I *sniff* miss my cloth!

Cranky Monster just went to sleep an hour ago. I'm truly exhausted from this day. And don't even put a paper diaper near me anytime in the near future. I will light it on fire. And... I am never, ever using 'Sposies again. Just sayin'.

I lied...

Ok, I am not leaving blogger after all. I found a cute blog name (finally) for Jack's blog on here. Blogger's just so popular that all the good names were gone!

so Jackson's blog is: thelifeofjackito.blogspot.com
Jack=his name
Ito=little
Jackito=little Jack, also after we swaddle him, he looks like a burrito-a jackito, actually

ok, back to posting here. good thing my divorce papers weren't finalized! Sorry for the scare!

playing catch-up

So, after 4 weeks of barely any facebook, I am finally trying to catch up with the facebook messages (all 32 of them-and that's after reading and deleting some), emails and blogging that I have missed for the time being. I am totally overwhelmed by the love people show me, Mike and little Jack. But I am overwhelmed by "catching up". And on top of all the catching up I am doing on Facebook, I (daily) get a new "so and so is now following you on Twitter". Do I tweet? No. I set up an account a year ago and haven't touched it since. BUT I feel this overwhelming urge to now update my Twitter account since I am letting down so many people.

After a long, exasperating time of debating on whether I should add Twitter to my addiction to social networking, I read this interesting article. Online sociability fatigue, as they called it in the article, is growing, even in the Gen X-Gen Y market. We are getting tired of keeping up to keep up.

"A recent survey from the Pew Internet & American Life Project found that 45 percent of Americans in all age groups are enthusiastic about socializing via computer and mobile devices. Meanwhile, 48 percent are indifferent to Internet social networks, overwhelmed by gadgets or often avoiding Internet use altogether.

Perhaps most surprising was the presence of a group that fell in between -- the remaining 7 percent of the survey. These people, who had a median age of 29, are savvy about social networks and always carry mobile devices -- and yet they feel conflicted about staying in constant contact. Pew called them "ambivalent networkers."

I am an "ambivalent networker". I am conflicted about staying in contact. I want to be in contact with everyone. I don't want to miss out on anything. But is it really that important that I get so-and-so's twitter update? And let's face it-our addiction to social networking is probably not healthy. All the time we spend online could be spent elsewhere-with our friends, family, hobbies. Why carve out time for real relationships if we have facebook? It can create a false sense of community (not always, but it can). I was just telling someone that I don't want to go to my high school reunion...because i know what everyone is up to, thanks to social networking. Why bother spending 70$ for a get together when you can read about the people on their profile?

It also plays into our psychological side, if we are too busy, we cannot work on the things we need to work on. We can't even unplug long enough to figure out if we need any adjusting. Why bother looking internally? You can turn off any internal need for change this way. I think this plays into our spiritual lives as well. If we are too busy, we can't carve time out for God. I know I have spent too much time online and not enough time in all of these areas.

So, if I don't answer back on Facebook or Blogger, you know why. I am needing a breather (and taking care of a newborn). Taking a break. But don't think I don't love you. Just being in constant contact is really hard to do.

reliving the nineties

I am now old enough to have the band of my youth have reunion tours. I was reading in Rolling Stone magazine (r.s. 1075) that 90's bands have reunited for tours this summer: No Doubt, Limp Bizkit, Jane's Addiction, Pearl Jam among others.

"I always believed in the 15-year rule," says VH1 VP Rock Krim. "Fifteen years ago was the heart of the 1990's. It feels like fertile ground".

Ok, first of all, since when has it been fifteen years since the heart of my youth? where did the time go? For real. Second, if you are a popular band now, does that mean in 2024, Nickelback, John Mayer and the dude who sounds like the Counting Crows (but isn't) will have a comeback tour? Don't sell me a ticket to that one. Not my era of music. Just find tickets to Ben Folds concerts when he's 65 and playing at Mtn Winery.

alright, sell me a hugely overpriced ticket to Lollapalooza or BFD already. Time to revisit my heyday (well, musically speaking).

Pregnant diaries: the end - the birth story of Jackson Martin

well, well, well, here we are. It's been over a month since I last blogged and it's been a crazy one. The last few weeks of pregnancy were tiring, uncomfortable and too much for me to handle. I would consider myself...cranky. All I could think about was getting this baby out-I didn't care about the sleepless nights to come, I just wanted him...out.

The week before he showed, I tried all the tricks. Walking. Curb walking. Pineapple. Handstands. Eating pineapple while doing walking handstands. More curb walking. I was so prepared that my water would break at work that I brought a piddle pad just for me so I didn't ruin Dan's leather chair.

well, March 11th came and we all hoped that Jackson would show up on Katie and Claire Kimball's birthday. But instead I find out from the doctor that I had not progressed at all. nilch. nada. The week before I had progressed to a centimeter and a half. Come on, throw me a bone, people! I sent out a plea for prayer to my coworkers because I was so desperate for the baby to come out and was so afraid I would be pregnant until my scheduled induction: 3/23. And I desperately did not want to be induced (well, secretly, I did, because of the pain I was currently in, but I also didn't because of how hard it is on your body and the baby).



March 12th. Due date according to the ultrasound (although my doc insisted on using my last period date, which was March 16th). I was bound and determined that I would do everything in my power to get him out. I usually would walk to the shopping center and meet Mike for lunch. I did my usual walking, came home and about 2 hours later, had contractions about 10 minutes apart. But I did not want to be fooled. I had 10 min apart contractions all week and they had not helped my in my progression so I dismissed them. I had them from 4 pm until 2:30 am, when I crashed for 3 hours and was awoken by contractions, the same time progression, but much stronger. But you can't fool me, I was sure it was false labor at it's best.

March 13th. Contractions stayed at 10 minutes apart for some time. Decided that it was time to do more walking. Mike and I walked to the shopping center, back down to the beach where I walked the steps at Seacliff, walked back home. They did progressively get worse, but would go back to 10 minutes apart after some rest. Irritated, we decided to take another walk around 5/5:30. That did it. the contractions got closer together, about 5-6 minutes apart, but I really didn't think I was going to progress further until the contractions got stronger. Thought maybe it was time to call the hospital and see what they think. They thought that it would be best for me to wait it out at home more that night. Ergh!!! I was so over this early labor business. I called again a few hours later and again, told me to wait it out.

Sara and Matt Bishop came over for some moral support and as I breathed through my contractions, they did progressively get stronger and closer together. About 5 minutes apart for some time and I was sure I was going to throw up. I was going to be really disappointed if this is not early labor after all. Mike called the hospital this time, it was around 11 and after telling them I was ready to throw up, they said, "now THAT'S what we like to hear". Oh joy. And off to the hospital we went.

March 14th. midnight. Sutter Maternity. After a quick check up, I was indeed in labor and dilated to 4. Hallelujah! They admitted me and I spent a lovely hour and a half in the tub. It was amazing and dilated from 4 to 6 during that time. The contractions were about 4 minutes apart and I was definitely in some pain. It was doable, but I knew that after feeling the nausea and knowing more pain was to come, I thought I better go with the meds.

Fentanyl was up first. What a blissful hour that was. I told everyone in the room it was like 3 margaritas. It took the edge off the contractions that were definitely much stronger and painful.

So, I waited, waited, waited for the anesthesiologist to show up (it was 3am when he got the wake up call). Once he showed and I got the epidural, the next 4 hours were a blur. I was so happy to have some pain relief, so happy to be able to get some sleep (2 hours that night-yay! I ended up with a total of 5 hours of sleep in the 2 days before he showed). Sometime between 4am and 7:30 I heard my water pop (not knowing that was what it was) and progressed from 6 to 10 centimeters during that time.

well, the doctor showed and said I was ready to push but i could wait if i wanted to. What? wait?? i have a baby bearing down causing immense pain (the Epi did not help with the baby in the canal) and you want me to wait? Come to find out my doctor got a call at Dominican and had to leave, so the morning nurse helped me through this time. I told her, no, I am not going to wait-I need to push.

So I pushed...and pushed...and pushed...and there was still a remnant of the epidural left in the early stage of me pushing which made it hard to do so. But by hour 2, the Epidural ran out and I definitely could feel so much of the pain. it was the closest to natural childbirth I was going to experience. They ordered the anesthesiologist back to my room to change out my bags and he did...25 minutes later. And at 2 and a half hours, I was done. I broke down and started bawling - I was exhausted and couldn't keep going. I was at failure to progress. The doctor suggested they prep the c-section room, but first they would try the vacuum.

Somewhere inside, I found enough strength to keep going. They were some of my best pushes yet. I found my inner Olympian who had come from behind to win. The vacuum popped off his head a few times. Blood definitely splattered everywhere. I don't know how many pushes it took, it was definitely a few, but with the help of the vacuum, Jackson did make his way out. I was afraid of the cone head, but really, it didnt matter at this time. The first words out of my mouth when they said he had come out was "thank you, Jesus!" in my most exasperated voice. They then put Jackson on my stomach (I almost tried to pick him up, but the nurse reminded me that the cord was still attached) and I had my first moment with my little boy. and he is beautiful.

So there it is, the conclusion of 9 months in pregnant land. And after about 36 hours in labor, my pregnant diaries have ended with a big bang. Jackson has arrived (and it's been much better on this side).

sleep dep..riv...((zzz))

what is sleep? who really needs it?

no, no complaining here. we are lucky. very lucky. although we are tired, we have a pretty good gig so far. He's like any other baby, getting up multiple times a night to eat and have a clean diaper. I am very tired from a 40-60 minute feeding at 4:00 am to waking up at 6:30 to feed him again BUT he does sleep after a good feeding. More people I know don't have that luxury. Babies with day and night confusion. Babies that eat constantly.

not Jack. He's my textbook baby.

which makes me so scared for number 2.

Pregnant diaries: Jackson

so, as you all know, we have decided to name the boy who is residing in my womb Jackson (and you can call him Jack if you'd like). There are so many great reasons to name this little guy Jackson. Let's recall all the great Jackson's in our lives. 

"Jackson" - by Johnny Cash (and June Carter Cash, I believe). This was a huge inspiration for me (well, I love Johnny Cash. The song is um...maybe not a rendering of our situation :)). Gotta love Johnny. 

"Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson 

Look out Jackson town."

Jackson 5-those were much brighter days for Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Michael.

"ABC...it's easy as 1, 2, 3"

Jackson, California - special place in any Californian's heart. 

Luscious Jackson - a great 1990's band (my glory days). 

Jackson Browne - epic. a little odd. but epic.

Jackson Pollock - well, minus his issues with alcohol, he paved his way in the modern expressionist movement creating amazing art....well, maybe we don't use him as an example.

soon enough, Jackson _____ Martin will be joining all the great Jackson's of history. I can't wait to welcome him into the circle of greatness. 

pregnant diaries: ...

as I went to work this morning, I had a great idea of a blog. Inspirational. Funny. Motivational. 

....

pregnancy brain has gotten the best of me. 

Pregnant Diaries: Take your bets!

I officially have 34 days to go (if he actually shows on his due date)! That's actually crazy to think that. I'm 35 weeks, 1 day and counting! 

Ok, so there are baby bets taking place on Facebook, so I thought I'd make it official on the blog. You are invited to throw in your bets starting now! How long will I be in labor? How big will the baby be? What day will he be born? These are all the questions I ask and yet, I won't know til I get there! So bets start NOW-throw in your best guess!! There might even be a prize associated to the person who guesses the closest (depending how well my labor goes, I may throw out a few prizes to the different areas of betting, if I am in a good mood). Betting closes at 11:59pm, March 12th!

So, here's the format for the bet:

The Day

Date:

Time:

The Baby

Weight:

Length:

Happy betting!!

Pregnant Diaries: 6 weeks to go (and counting!)

Ok, so after my quick mental breakdown last week about not being ready we had our final (most likely) ultrasound and check up. I've been cramping at night and have had new pains, so I was thinking, "Gosh, he's going to show up early!" Since everything basically hurts these days, early is sounding nice right now. 

Highlight #1: Our baby is cute in the womb. It looks like he has Mike's lips (which I hope all our kids have). He may or may not have Mike's nose-I can't tell at this point (although Mike thinks it is his nose).  He was a little scrunched and had cute puffy cheeks (i think it's from the scrunching). Oh, and he loves to suck his hands. 

Highlight #2: my sister in law, Christa, came to our appointment today and watched him on the big screen. It was really special. We joked about him going to the goat farm with her and coming home with a goat (she likes those animals). No goats. Unless it is at Auntie Christa's.

Highlight #3: I really thought I was going to be at least a little dilated when the doctor checked me today. And that I have dropped. but...i am not. and I have more dropping to do. This really isn't a highlight. More like a lowlight. But it's best for him (not so fun for me).

Highlight #4: Jackson is approximately 4lbs, 8 ounces, is in a perfect head down position and is really healthy. He had some kidney issues at our 20 week ultrasound (which feels like eons ago) but they have been resolved now. 

I am getting more excited to meet him by the day. I am also getting crankier...more tired...less useful...more moody...and can't wait to start losing baby weight. haha! I can't wait to meet the kid with the cute lips that's hanging out in my womb!

Pregnant Diaries: 7 weeks to go...(oh, dear God, help me!)

well, here we are. I remember thinking back in July that January seemed so far away. And now, January has hit me harder than a 2x4 to the head. I am getting a little more tired, a little more moody, and I truly wonder if it is humanly possible for me to carry this baby for another 7 weeks. 

The crazy low back and pelvic pain is back in full force today. I think he's head down and getting ready to come out. And that is why it hurts this much. I'm sure he will be late, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if he will arrive early.  Every movement feels like I am carrying a small cow. He can't really be that big but it just feels like it. I have no idea how I will have room for another 3 or 4 lbs of baby. 

In my crankiness, I am getting tired of being asked, "are you ready?" It's ok, ask me about my weight gain, my aches and pains, my birth plan (or lack there of at this point), how I like my OB, where I will deliver...just don't ask me if I am ready. 

But since we are on that topic...I'm not ready. My body is telling me I am ready with the pain I am feeling but in all reality, I am not ready. Have I picked a pediatrician? No. Is the baby's room cleaned out, sorted, decorated and no longer the storage for over 4 years of crap? No. Have I practiced my breathing techniques, reread the birthing positions, spent time imagining my birth experience? No. Do we have a middle name? No. Have we installed the car seat? No. 

Have I pre-registered at the hospital? No. 

This is as far as we have gotten: the baby's room is full of stuff. Better than it was 2 months ago, but still not functional. We need to make room for the crib and the other things that will go in there (pregnancy brain fart). We still need to get the rocking chair from Mike's grandmother. I am grateful for the things we have so far. We have officially have a car seat, a bassinet for the early days, a changing table that will double as storage, a bag of disposable diapers (just in case), some really cute clothes, piddle pads, a few cloth diapers to try out and a diaper bag.  

But really, it's not about the "room" or the "stuff". I know we will get the necessities and Jackson will totally love it. I guess I am not ready for the huge change of a baby. I love him and can't wait to meet him (and wouldn't mind having her body back, instead of sharing it) but it is such a huge change and my fear of being incompetent and failure is calling me "not ready". What if I can't figure out his needs? What if he cries for hours after birth and I can't calm him? What if he does latch well or doesn't like to be swaddled? what if I am not attached to him? what if...he hates me?

Ok, I'm being crazy irrational right now. I fully know that. 7 weeks to go. Am I ready? Probably not. But I know that I love him, the little quirmer in me and that is enough.  

That is enough.