resolve to nothing

so i suck making new years resolutions. i always, always, always put way too much pressure to change and grow in inhuman ways. and then within 30 days, i get so frustrated that i quit. ...and the cycle continues. 

so in my insane consistent nature, i wrote some resolutions down. 

1. really cultivate the prayer life i dream of having and grow in this area more

2. really work on letting go and becoming less of a control freak especially when it is work related

3. really take the time to think about myself, how i relate to others, and who i am and how i need to be a better leader and friend  

4. get a life and find what recharges me and actually do it 

5. become a more balanced person and not become a workaholic 

6. really go to the gym and by years end, run a 10 K (last year's resolution revisited)

7. learn what it means to be a good wife whether or not it is culturally stereotyped, especially in the church/christian community

8. get over my fear of having children and being too self absorbed to be a good mom

9. learn how to cook and/or become a vegetarian

10. get to know people outside the church more (i.e. my esthetician, my neighbors, someone's neighbors)

11. watch less TV, preferably get it all down to 1 day a week (and get Tivo or something so i watch it all in bulk) 

12. Read at least 4 books a month and blog about them

13. pick one hair style and stick with it for at least 6 months 

14. take a dance class to refine my dance skills 

15. save for a new car, house, something 

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now, i know, the list is somewhat ridiculous. i'm kind of ridiculous. I dream of being some weird perfect person who has it all together, it's perfect and lovely and wonderful. sometimes i feel like Bree on Desperate Housewives (minus a LOT of the drama) - but she's gotta have it all together. sometimes i feel like that. well...a lot of the time. I hate losing. I hate making mistakes.  so resolutions are the perfect time for me to try to achieve perfection. and obviously, i fail. horribly. every year. 

so...what if this year, i do anti-resolutions? or at least get my list down to like 4. (haha. right!)

this is what i am thinking i am going to ask God for help on...because Lord knows, I cant do it by myself...

ok...so my anti-resolutions are:

1. see if i am just trying to tolerate people or if they are truly toxic to me and need to have better boundaries with such people. and if they are, really be honest with them and not put a facade on. (namely, my grandmother). i am tired of bad and unhealthy relationships.

2. finally, somehow, learn how to love myself as is and try not to want the acceptance of others. sure, try to grow and change and see what God wants to do in me, but learn to accept myself and be content. i'll never be at some ideal. most of all, i'm not Jesus. i wont reach some level of perfection. i'll always say stupid things at times. i'll always make mistakes. i'll always need to grow and to grow from mistakes. so, its time that i grow up and realize this. 

3. take time to dream and create. and to be refreshed. i dont really dream enough. i think i do, but i dont. and i miss creating. and  have no idea how to recharge my batteries (other than shopping.)

4. run a 10k with a friend and train with her. (yes, i had to throw it in :))

5. find creative ways to spend more quality time with God. my new thought is to journal my thoughts via collage. to go and worship Him at sunrise. take risks so i have to trust Him more than i do right now (i'm so so scared to write that!).

 if i can just stick to the anti resolutions and not go to my traditional 15 i write down...maybe i will see some change. positive godly change this year. 

2008 will be great. 

even if i fail. 

even if i resolve to nothing.