I'm sorry, but I am not here right now

vacation. it's beautiful. it's needed. and I am purposefully falling off the face of the earth for a while. Please know, it isn't personal. But even though I am mostly an extrovert, i do need some down time and quiet. 

i have felt parched since Christmastime (instead of resting, I plowed through January and February without blinking an eye. Or much sleep). I get so excited (and a bit overwhelmed) with everything-all my projects, deadlines, the-next-big-thing-coming-up that I don't really...stop. It's about slim to none that I turn OFF my brain and rest. After imagining a yellow flag raised in the air, cautioning me that the rate in which i am moving will probably cause burn out, I...asked...for...a...break. Those 2 words are some of the hardest in the English language to type, let alone speak. In a conversation. To your boss. 

i have some of the MOST understanding co-workers in the world, who are the biggest advocates of boundaries (mostly for others). This was a no brainer for everyone else, but so hard for me to admit. I'm tired. Who, me? Tired? I have creativity and inspiration to keep me afloat!I never get tired or burned out. I have an amazing job and have the best team of leaders in the world. But, all of that, let's face it...it is not enough. Everyone gets tired (...right? Oh, please tell me, I am right...).

So, I have purposefully turned my brain off the last 2 days. Played on Facebook, caught up on America's Next Top Model, did a load of dishes. Need to clean more. (eek!) Did some shopping today. I am exercising as if I was on the biggest loser. Eating as if I wanted to lose the Biggest Loser. And basically, have done not much more than that. It's been needed. and, i want to blog, but i am not even sure that i have any brain power right now. I'm not even sure I will have any deep revelations during my hiatus from the world to blog. But I do know, I am going to be unplugging for a few days. No blogging. No Facebook. No email. This is a big deal for me, but I am glad. I need to do it. 

(So, side note, I do ask-do you have any good "refreshing" books to suggest to me? I'm bored with most of the ones I already own (classic ENFP in me is kicking in...) so picking up a couple new ones could be great. I am thinking about some Henri Nouwen, Brendan Manning-eque books to refresh me spiritually, some great leadership books to push me further, but before I raid Dan's office, do you have any suggestions?) 

so, if Blogspot had an auto responder, mine would say something like this: "Hi and thanks so much for reading my blog. I'm currently detaching myself from all things technological until April 7th. I will be back at my computer and returning all blog comments the week of April 7th. If you need immediate assistance please call the main office line and hit the "0" for the operator. Thanks so much and have a great week."

hiding

when i was little, we lived way up on a hill adjacent to Alum Rock Park in San Jose. I loved walking down the street to the treehouse someone built where my friends and i would "tag" the treehouse with hearts and our current crush's name. my brother and i grew up in an irreligious household and went to church on Christmas and Easter about 5 times in my childhood. 

we had a house with a wraparound deck and big windows that were not up to earthquake code for the late 80's and early 90's (the house was built in 1950 and does not exist anymore). If you were to stop by, you could look into any of our windows and know if someone was home. To enter our house, you had to go up the front steps (about 10-15 of them). 

Every year or two, I would hear from my mom "hide!" as I would hear footsteps up the stairs, and a knock on the door. It was silly, but I loved this little game. I would hide in my mother's bedroom and peer out of the window to see who was there. It was usually two to three people, dressed in their best 80's suit or Laura Ashley dress, with a good amount of fliers. They would start at our front door and then peer into our windows and walk all the way around our wraparound deck, peering into each window to see if someone was home. All signs of life was apparent: i tried to flip off as many lights as I could as they walked up the stairs but usually missed one; our car perfectly parked in the carport and all my toys sprawled out in the house or in the driveway. after a couple of minutes, I could hear that they had walked down the back steps and from our front window, see them drive off into the horizon.

I had an interesting experience come up today as I was washing dishes and catching up on housework. I hear a rapping at my door and a feeling of fear wash over me: 

who is it? who is stopping by at 9:30 in the morning? 

I am still in my bathrobe. Oh crap, I'm still in my bathrobe! 

Is it "the cable guy" who is actually a mass murderer?  

Is it my neighbor letting me know that another duplex is on fire and I need to get out of the building? 

Will I have enough time to get out of my bathrobe? Do I have any clean clothes? 

What do you get when you have 1 minute to evacuate the building and only 2 hands?

"Who is it?" I ask with my ear against the door. "One of your neighbors," a lady answered as I opened the door. Oh, great, the building IS on fire, I think to myself. "I would just like to invite you to this," the lady continued. 

In her hands contained a flier of Jesus and Easter, that resembled something that the southern baptist church gave out during the Jesus movement. I recognized the flier right away as 3 saturdays ago, a gentleman stopped by to give me one. I politely took one 3 weeks ago, and briefly read through it. I was invited to an Easter service on Saturday the 22nd at the Kingdom Hall. Today, I politely told her no thank you, and to have a great day, and closed the door.  I didn't have the amount of brain power at 9:30 a.m. to invite her into my dirty home (that I was cleaning), have a conversation with her and relive every "apologetics" class I ever took. This morning, I really just wanted a really large window, where I could see who was at my door and hide in my mom's bedroom today. 

I know that isn't the thing to say, being that I work at a missional church but I am realizing my own instinct is to do so- to avoid uncomfortability. We have spent the last 4 weeks at Vintage talking about this very subject and here I am, wanting to go hide in a bedroom. I know that I so love Jesus and what he has done for me and want others to have that as well. It's a choice to be missional and to live outside our own desires and to live by the Spirit. And I am realizing it takes a lot of prayer. I know it seems so simple, but it is not easy to really live out.  

I wonder how many people will be attending their service tonight based off the personal invite. I wonder how 'effective' it was to walk to each house, knock on the door and personally invite people to their deal. I wonder how many people were intrigued, offended, apathetic. I wonder how many people hid in their bedroom and ignored the knock on the door. 

easter is tomorrow. it seems so early this year. i wonder how many people have seen our flier that we made and are planning to come tomorrow.  how many people picked it up and were intrigued. i am praying that many people would come and see the hope in Jesus' resurrection. That we might be able to change some stereotypes people have of the church and faith. i am also praying for those who, like me, are afraid of uncomfortability. who would rather go hide than to be a part of a church community or to share this hope we have in Jesus with others who might want it.  and when you think of it, pray for me, that the next time i hear a knock on the door, i will not hide, no matter what my desire might be at the time. 

Happy Easter. He lives. 

...in dreamland, Easterland, Summertime land

dreams are funny. i tend to have reoccurring themes in my dreams. Over the last year i have had easily 6-8 dreams about pregnancy. It's either me or one specific friend (who will remain nameless - but note - she isn't pregnant :)). It usually about one of us sharing the news that we were pregnant-not labor, delivery or anything else.

This last dream, the night of the 18th (night before Mike's 33rd b-day), I dreamt that i was rapidly approaching the 2nd trimester and was starting to show. I knew I had to start telling people and I was scared. In my dream, I felt the baby kick (which was probably gas from dinner that night). Anyway, I was in the hallway next to my office and I told both Josh and Lee that I was pregnant. Josh was excited-as animated Josh usually reacts to exciting news. Lee was not so ecstatic - in fact, his first words were "was this unplanned?" in a monotone voice. I replied with a "yes" and he stayed pretty stoic. Then he responded with "That's cool" and went on his way down the stairs. That was the end of the dream. I didn't wake up with any emotion but shock that i just had ANOTHER freaking dream about pregnancy.

i tend to get freaked out by these pregnancy dreams as I am warming up to the idea of a child, but not totally sold on having a kid until we are a bit more stable (do we ever get stable though, I ask?). 

Jung really thought that dream interpretation opened up the windows of our souls. I dont know if i really agree, but I am curious to see what "they" think. I wikipedia-ed dream interpretation and found some interesting things. (Don't worry, I don't put a ton of merit in dream interpretation, i just thought this could be pretty funny to hear about, that is all!)

The Curious Dreamer says that pregnancy dreams are one of these things:

• a process or project somewhere in your life (they seem so show up during stressful periods at work where I have to really produce)
  
• responsibility for another person somehow in your life (wow, it is kinda true-i feel a lot of responsibility for others in my life)
  
• responsibility for self or for your inner child (i have been growing more as an adult lately)
  
• a curiosity about pregnancy (I am sure there is some of that in this dream)

The Dream Dictionary says that a pregnancy dream symbolizes new life, creative, inventive,  that i should be prepared to produce something. (i think this is somewhat accurate in my life)

SoulFuture.com says that dreaming of being i may indicate: 

• incubating a new project, relationship or cycle within (see above)
  
• manifesting my desires (maybe a little bit)
  
• a guidance dream heralding an actual pregnancy (haha, not actually possible)
  
• a desire to be pregnant (could be)

Ok, I think it is a multitude of things, so this is my interpretation:

1. I am afraid of some unexpected thing to happen-I like controlling my life as it is. The unexpected scares me (when it comes to a child being dependent on me for 18-24 years).

2. I think the responsibility for self and others is true-I feel loads of responsibility at work that is hard for me to process at time or categorize. I am really learning about myself in this time frame and find that I am learning to take responsibility for my actions-as much as I can. But I am learning boundaries as well.

3. I am sure this is about my desire to one day be pregnant. It will be a joyous occasion. I know I am processing it and learning on how to be a woman, how to be me, and not just falling to the stereotypes of motherhood. I am really wading through the years of crap in the background that has held me back from motherhood. BUT, I am still processing and thinking. One day it will happen, but just not this week. :) 

Anyway, this week is exciting-it's Easter this sunday, which means 1) we celebrate hard core the gift of Jesus' resurrection and 2) i have a sunday night off. silly I know, but I am looking forward to being in my bathrobe at 5 pm, making frozen pizza and relaxing. I haven't done that in 6 months, so I can't wait. I like Easter-the new life of spring really accentuates the new life we have in Jesus. We just spent 5 hours setting up the installation in the sanctuary tonight and it is BEAUTIFUL (thanks team!). It was amazing. 

Back to spring and Jesus. slowly but surely, maybe I will shed my SAD (seasonal affective disorder). i love summertime-flip flops, shorts, and a tan. I can't wait!! 

Now, after I have spent almost 2 hours relaxing after a long day, I am going to bed. Night night my blog friends, nighty night!

Quirky, Quirky Me (Oh, how quirky I am...)

Ok, I must say I am new to this as well. I now must share 6 quirks about me via this blog.  I was tagged by Nini and I am now passing on the tradition to Colleen, Bennett and Shannon Marie. I am quirky, it's slightly embarrassing but it is true. Authentically Sarah (Bacon) Martin.

Here's the deal:

1. Link to the person who tagged you. 

2. Post the rules. 

3. Share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. 

4. Tag at least 3 people. 

5. Make sure the people you tagged know you tagged then by commenting to them. 

1. I love the Weather Channel. I seriously could watch radar ("Your local on the 8's") all day. I am really intrigued as storms come in. I am excited when we get severe weather alerts. I listen outside for rain showers. Get a little freaked out, yet intrigued by thunder. I love to park by the beach and watch the waves as they crash. I love the rain and love curling up in a blanket, with a magazine and...the Weather Channel humming in the background.

2. I can hear the tone of a touch dial phone (as a friend pushes a button on the other side) and tell you which number you pushed just by the sound. I haven't been in practice in the last couple of years since the age of the cell phone, but I think it was the beginning of musical ear training. That was my biggest talent growing up. (just kidding).

3. I am slightly obsessive compulsive about doors, especially if I locked them and closed them shut. I hate the feeling of "did I lock the door...?" and so I check it...once, twice...three times.  I basically don't want to be responsible if my house was robbed or the church was broken into. So, i double or triple check at times. Call me OCD. I don't care. (I'm not totally OCD about anything else really, see number 5).

4. I am afraid of any body of water that I cannot control. So, basically, I am fine with swimming in a swimming pool but don't you dare throw me in the ocean (especially the freezing Pacific), ask me to go river rafting (almost drowned in a river once) or swim in the lake (I am perfectly ok with sitting on the sidelines, getting a tan while you go play with the fishies and kelp).  Although once, with a very trained boat driver, I did wake board and would do it again. 

5. I am notoriously known for starting things but not finishing them. I have many half-finished scrapboooks, half read books by my bed (which I do occasionally read), menus planned (but not shopped for or cooked), projects around the house to finish, personal goals to be developed. The Myers Briggs once called me an ENFP and they are pretty much known for not finishing projects. They can start them, but not finish. While I dont think I am a 100% classic ENFP (I think environment shapes personality), i have some of the traits. I am learning how to tackle big goals into little ones now. I think I can focus on one place at a time. I think I have work down, but forget the others. ENFP's They are known for talking a lot and having high goals but not getting a lot finished. i am working on it (see blog on little life changes) but its a process.

6. I am kind of a map lover. As a kid, I would sprawl a map over our kitchen table and memorize all the major streets of San Jose. Partially, if I ever got lost or was forgotten at the supermarket or dance class, I knew how to get home. My mom wasn't the strongest in the map department so I was really the navigator. ("Honey, do we take Highway 120 to Arnold?"..."Yes, Mom"...) Now, I love knowing exactly where I am going, how I am going to get there, how many minutes it will take (and I usually leave late to wherever I am going...another quirk). I love being the one who has all the info in a row, memorized and ready to go and "accidentally" take an alternate route or stop at the 7-11 for beef jerky. But don't put me on turn by turn directions-i need to see the whole, big picture. It must be the leader in me...? 

my paragraphs have gotten progressively longer and sloppier -that means I am tired and must sleep now. so...now it's your turn!

This was fun-THANKS Nini!

caffeination update

It's been 17 days of my accidental detox of caffeine. In those 17 days, I am pretty sure I have had 5 cups of coffee. I know...I know-but I only drink it (one cup) on days where I MUST be focused and functional to get my work done (so, that means, Sundays, Mondays and every other Tuesday).

So i have converted. No longer am I a slave to the caffeine. It's amazing. (I shared in the office during this conversion that I have been drinking coffee since i was 9 and that was my diet in high school: coffee and cigarettes. Such a great diet. NOT so much.) I am now in LOVE with green tea. I really am. I am not getting much in the area of caffeine, great taste and supposedly, it helps speed up your metabolism. Can't beat that! It's warm, good for you and I love the taste. Ok, so that is my quick update on caffeination. i am now off to cook some kind of dinner and rest before tomorrow! It's a big day-our first ever immersion baptism in our sanctuary! (please pray tonight that the water is warmed enough :)). 

little life changes

as i type tonight, i have the hiccups. My grandfather used to call them "hee-cups", and I thought that was cute. I say "hick-ups".
anyway, as i hiccup away, i have made some minor life tweaks this week. i tend to do them spontaneously, then stop in 2-3 weeks.

• no more coffee. i know. day 5 (minus sunday). pretty amazing. gotta love advil.

• i am bringing clothes with me to the office. I ran up high st. to the ucsc entrance and back. i am now making this at least a twice a week occurrance.

• I am trying to go bed early. i think about it, and need to. Its 11 pm now though, and I am not in bed.

• wikipedia everything so i can grow in my knowledge of areas shared with me. i know know that John Donne worked at a church later in life, married scandalously (14-17 yr old), and had 11 kids, including 2 stillborn, one died at 18. Thank you, Wikipedia!

• eat healthier. i brought some food to the office today that was SUPER healthy. then i went home at had Top Ramen and Soy Chips (spicy)...and a good 400 calories, i am sure.

anyway, those are little tweaks i am trying to change this month. How about you? (the hee-cups have gone away now).

caffeination

so i dont think caffeination is a word. i am making up words as i type. i have now gone a few days without coffee (colleen has inspired me). here's the log:

Wednesday the 27th-no coffee beans at home. fall for Starbuck's marketing ploy and buy newly practiced espresso for mike and i. pleasantly surprised at the taste.

Thursday the 28th-no coffee beans - day 2. have to get to the church by 10 to meet alex and yarek. no caffeine break. feels ok and resists red bull in the coffeehouse. crunches numbers: i could save money AND calories if i quit drinking coffee. no headache at 3 pm. thinks, "i can do this".

Friday the 29th-no coffee again but does get Taco Bell in a hurry over the hill. drinks part of Mike's Mtn Dew and feels good. Goes shopping for a dress for a wedding and can't decide. drive back home (after seeing men from WestGate [long story]).

Saturday the 1st-went without caffeine again. passed up the coffee at the bridal shower as well. had a pretty good headache today. thinks she is nuts and will HAVE to drink some in the morning to make it through sunday. wishes it was monday and dreads what kind of headache she will have on monday with no coffee and lots of meetings. rethinks whole concept. dreams of going to the store and buying beans and then the beans become alive and attack her and take her money in Aisle 4B. wakes up in night sweats. 

p.s. on public t.v. they are showing the Clash---- infomercial style. Public TV goes hip!

"I broke the law and law won!"