give...me...energy...

look, this is going to sound ridiculous but I have so much energy today after taking my New Chapter B vitamins (and my regular vitamins). I have energy (yet i still have the film of tiredness I usually feel :)) and feel like I could be really, really productive today (if i wanted to be). And I have only had one cup of coffee. 

ONE.

B vitamins = crack for the health fiend.   

gracias por la vida y mi muy bonita amigas y tarjetas y bibliotecas

1. central heating

2. the gym

3. houndstooth sweaters, bags, scarves

4. people who invest in the lives of others

5. the little bits and pieces of spanish i picked up from my gangsta chola friends in junior high (because, God knows I didnt pay any attention in spanish class in high school!)

6. angi, for her great eye for color and being one real, authentic friend 

7. my past 

8. feeling of coming into "my own"

9. authors and writers and revolutionaries 

10. rest 

(side note...it shouldn't take me 10 days to think of what I am thankful for...but it did. eeek!)

Ugh...the English language

lately, i have been feeling very frustrated at the english language and it's limited vocabulary. i know that i have a limited vocabulary and usually sum up everything as "awesome" "cool" "amazing" if things are good and "sucks" "no good" and other wonderful words when i am describing what I am feeling or thinking. 

The Hebrew and Greek languages had lots of words to say the word "love". you knew you were talking about a deep intimate love with one word, and a brotherly love in another. sometimes I feel like I'm trying to explain the magnitude of my feelings and really can't find the words to accurately describe it-like i need to create new words to explain it or read a thesaurus everyday to learn new words (they we dont use on a regular basis, and then have to define it to others). that's probably why swear words are so attractive in our culture-they explain something that we just can't find words for (especially at 13). 

(random side note: up till right now, it feels that what I am writing is a Rob Bell video and someone could be videotaping me as I walk and share this like in a subway station or something).

so i am feeling let down by the language we use on a daily basis. i want the words to describe all that i am internally meditating on and I am stuck. Anyone want to join me and we could resurrect Koine greek?

...in the mean time...

i am working on a blog of all blogs and it should be done in the next couple of days as i think and digest what i've read. i'm re-reading a book from college called "The Critical Journey" and am thoroughly enjoying my reading right now. like, massively. i can't help but analyze my journey with Jesus since the last time i read the book (which i think was 6-7 years ago...wow). but in it, well, i'm saving most of my thoughts for the next blog, but i feel like i've moved stages since the last time i read this.

the rain today makes me happy. i love it and my reasoning is probably psychotic. years ago, like 10-14 years ago, i lived in a time where stability was gone-i practically lived on my own at 14, without much guidance (except naomi's mom and my dad later in high school when i moved back in the house). in it, i kind of got addicted to instability (probably contributing to my insane love of moving to a new house every year-i dont care if it's 1 mile away-its new!). and in that instability i found comfort. instability was stability for me. so when things were super stable, it was like i had a crisis. i didnt know what to do. 

so as I have grown, gone to counseling and become more stable, at times i look to other external things, out of my control (like the weather) that give me this funny feeling like something crazy is happening. the rain is something that in California doesn't get, as it is on the dry side, so snow at low elevations and heavy amounts of rain is out of the ordinary. I got so excited about this ridiculous snow/rain storm as it was unpredictable.  a bit crazy. a bit different. or maybe i am just easily excitable. haha.

so thanks rain, for coming today, and helping me realize how much i love you, for probably crazy reasons. i think i better stop blogging and listen as it might be gone soon and the predictable sun will arrive.

Thankful

OK, I'm stealing this idea from Rene-she is writing 10 things that she is thankful for as a part of her resolutions. I am not going to do it daily like she is, I don't think, but maybe weekly. :-) This may help us remember the blessings Jesus gives us and to appreciate each day. 

1. Mike (this is probably obvious)-he is the sweetest greatest husband in the world. I love him dearly and I am so thankful for him.

2. Caffeine (where would I be without it?)

3. the joy that kids have (watching samantha and gracie play last night was way too cute-they were buds and had a blast together and I want joy like that)

4. friends that want to hang out with Mike and me (and I'm not paying them off)

5. change that only Jesus can bring (he's has brought me so far in the last 12 years...and i have so far to go!)

6. no matter how crazy work might get, i wake up everyday excited, knowing i'm exactly where God wants me and is using my gifts to the fullest

7. Email and Facebook - how would i be in touch with people otherwise? :) 

8. pandora.com 

9. my parents-that they are still here on earth and i get to be only a half an hour away from them (where i've been 10 hours and 2.5 hours in the past)

10. sleep (10+ hours sounds great!)

It's Called "American" Idol for a Reason

I just finished watching the season premiere of American Idol. There's always some talent and some entertainment to the biggest reality TV show, especially in the first few episodes. Funny thing is, people go on there, audition horribly or dress up like their favorite character and in their delusion, think they will make it through to the next round. 

There was a girl at the end that dressed like Princess Leia and doesn't get picked (go figure). Then she goes off about how American Idol only picks people who look the same, act the same, that they don't like uniqueness. She wasn't absolutely horrible (but by no means good), singing wise, but come on, you are in a Princess Leia outfit-the hair buns and all. 

These were the things rolling around in my head after Princess Leia spoke of such things. Ok, in an ideal world, we'd not judge people by their costuming, and everyone would get a fair chance to make it "big". ( ed note: In Jesus' eyes, everyone is beautiful. Unfortunately, since the fall, we probably have a pretty skewed view of beauty.) But "making it big" is an American concept in and of itself. The fact that Kelly Clarkson can go onto a game show and get a record contract and tour the world (and, funny, she can sing) is not something that most of the world could offer or even values. And being the "American" idol is a lot to live up to with our American values. In this competition, people are judged not just on how well they could sing, but if they could captivate an audience and make Simon (and the contestant) a lot of money. Pop culture and music is made to reach the masses (reason being for the name "popular"). Pop music isnt usually for the crazy artistic (although some is) but is catchy for the non-musical masses. The same goes for American Idol. You need to be catchy, carry a tune, be able to do some runs, and sell albums. Im not sure how much it's about people achieving big dreams with big skill as it is about making a big buck off someone with big dreams and big skill. and knowing what American society will vote on. I don't know.

And in the case of Princess Leia, "unique" doesn't have a wide range of an audience (it's usually a niche group of followers), there's no way that person could sell a ton of records (unless you are William Hung). And buns or not, she is not an amazing singer (which Simon did say in previous seasons, "this is a singing competition").

I don't know about you, but if I was going to audition, this would be going through my mind. I couldn't blame Paula, Simon or Randy if I showed up as Princess Leia and they told me no. I would look quite silly and not even know if i could be taken seriously. (Professionalism does say something. :)) 

Again, I'm not totally against American Idol or for the fun it provides for the person on Tuesday nights. I like the show. It's fun. I love it, i really do! It's just funny hearing Princess Leia go off about this "uniqueness" and I had to blog about it. I don't even know if i agree with what i just blogged. I just had to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the blog. (And maybe have created controversy? or a wise crack or two?)

2007

I am stealing this from Vanessa. I enjoyed reading hers...and I will do my best for mine to be just as entertaining. 

1. what did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? convert to Mac (the computer Jesus would buy-haha). 

2. did you keep your new year's resolution and will you make more for next year? read this blog and it will explain my psychosis. 

3. did anyone close to you give birth? no, BUT my best friend from college, my community group (almost everyone), half of vintage faith is having a baby this year. so THIS is the year of baby showers. 

4. Did anyone close to you die? I dont think so (gosh, I should know this) 

5. what countries did you visit? none...but I did visit the midwest, which is practically another country

6. what would you like in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? to own my own home (can you say "pipe dream"!), an intern, to buy new furniture and better organization and less crap

7. what date in 2007 will be etched upon your memory and why? hmm....well, i'd have to say the first monday after Easter when I came into work (my first day working full time at Vintage) and hearing a schizophrenic lady making noises (really, really loud) and i go outside to check up on her-long story short, I find her in the bathroom (the public bathroom) fully naked, bathing herself. Scarred for life, I walk in on her and (nicely ask her to put her clothes back on) and usher her to our shower in the gym. 

(Later I find out that she is "Bad Crapper" - known for hiding in our building and crapping anywhere-on the floor, on a table-basically anywhere she can squat. Boy, aren't I lucky to walk in on this one!)

(oh gosh, that wasn't even a year ago yet...it feels like 10 years ago)

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year? i have a couple: successfully going to the gym regularly for 10 months out of the past 12 (um...November and December was a wash), the Christmas play "experience", having the energy to go to the Red after the gathering or on a friday night.

9. what was your biggest failure? i think a lot of little ones have added up to "the big one"

10. did you suffer illness or injury? hmm...my usual colds...my funky shoulder issue...i guess thats it (i watched a few of these though)

11. what was the best thing you bought? friends...oh, i mean a pair of A Pockets and lots of food...at restaurants...gosh, that's where most of my money went...

12. where did most of your money go? see number 11.. food. really, honestly, food.

13. what did you get really, really, really, really excited about? hmm...the Christmas Play (experience) for sure...Mike possibly going back to school...having some good friends again 

14. what songs will always remind you of 2007? it was the year of singing bad 80's worship "praise" songs in the office to remind us how far we have grown musically. Maybe we will do a "All 80's" worship gathering this year to get it all out of our system?

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder?  think i am a bit happier. 

thinner or fatter? well, i'm about the same actually. wow, there's nothing like stability

16.  what do you wish you'd done more of? cardio, hosting more get togethers,  hang out with more people that i like, gotten over myself and embrace where I am at in life (which I did in Dec 2007! yay!)

17. what do you wish you would have done less of? caring about what people think of me

 

18. how did you spend Christmas? I plead the 5th

19. did you fall in love in 2007? yeah (with mike... and some jeans...and some cute second hand tops...and a dress...and most of Angi's clothes)

20. how many one-night stands? none

21. What was your favorite TV show? hmm...America's Next Top Model, 24, The Office, My Name is Earl, How I met Your Mother and anything on E! (i know, sad but true)

22. do you hate anyone that you didnt hate this time last year? gosh, hate is such a strong word

23. What was the best book you read in 2007? Living Your Strengths...and Shopaholic Ties the Knot.

 

24. What was your greatest musical discovery of 2007? hmm...gosh, I'm not really sure. I sort of listen to Ben Folds. all. the. time. 2008 will be the year that I break out and find new music. Yes. (any suggestions?)

25. what did you want and get? new jeans, full time job at vintage, a vacation

26. What did you want and not get? more downtime, a book contract, start dancing again, travel overseas, better organization, a new place to live (preferably our own), a double boiler 

27. what was your favorite film this year? Little Miss Sunshine (it probably came out in 2006, but i watched it in 2007)

28. what did you do on your birthday and how old were you? It was SO fun-it was number 2-6! went to the Red (thanks Lizzy!) and had dinner with friends. The day of, i think we went out for dinner with my dad. Big bash for this year! oh yes! Can't wait!!

29. what one thing would have made your year immensely more satisfying? oh, how I agree with Vanessa-a housekeeper

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? you know, part rockabilly, part punk, part prep (i guess?)...you know, the usual. and, again, agreeing with vanessa, it is all about the hair (and I have changed my hair more than my sheets...)

31. what kept you sane? sarcastic jokes, parodying everything, talking in the office (hmm...extravert?), fat tire and/or margaritas and singing

32. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? um, Micheline from America's next top model. She's gorgeous, has cool style, beautiful tattoos. Oh...and Nicole Richie. She looks good with the baby bump and great after rehab...or jail, whichever.

33. what political issue stirred you the most? global warming, hands down (thanks Dan)

34. who did you miss? Nancy, Nicki, Goulet, my maiden name

35. Who was the best new person you met? oh gosh, i dont know this one. I met a lot of cool people. If i met you in 2007, you fit this question. know you are loved.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:  less is more. simplicity is good. holding onto notes from 1996 is not. and really, truly, everything always works out-no need to stress over the little things (i am still learning to apply this to my life). i guess that makes 2 valuable lessons. 

Rain, Rain...

...is beautiful. I love the rain. It speaks to me in a way that I don't know how to explain. 

Growing up as a kid, I LOVED watching the Weather Channel. I would watch it hour per hour, staring at the radar and maps. I think I loved the fact that I knew EXACTLY what was happening around the country and the world right that moment. And I could be in control of what was going on-I mean, if I knew it was going to rain, I could never be wet or cold. Or hot and dry. I was uber prepared. 

This Christmas my brother bought me a pair of cute striped wellies from the Gap. I though they were so cute, but in my silly mind, thought I would return them for something more "practical" as they were a bit too big. I bought a pair of cute, wide legged trousers as I returned the boots. 'These are more practical', I thought as I checked out with my friend Lisa.

Well, go figure that one week later I would need the very thing I deemed "impractical" as the WORST rainstorm I have seen since I lived in Seattle had hit the Santa Cruz area. As I ran our to get the mail, my converse shoes got so soaking wet and I could not help but think...'self, why did I return the crazy wellies?'

Greg, you made a very smart purchase for me this Christmas. I am unprepared this winter season with this crazy storm-if only I would have listened, I would not have wet feet this January. I am learning from your ways, oh wise one.

you've got to be kidding me

i'm sickened and sadly, captivated at Wife Swap right now. well, tonight's episode stars two families: the first is a feminist household where women of the home are homeschooled for the right feminine ways and the second is a family of one daughter-a pageant queen that dresses inappropriately and have her parents do their homework for her. 

i was watching and the feminist wife went to the pageant home and made the 15 year old girl, who doesnt do her homework (she couldnt spell "America"--only continuing the stereotype from Miss South Carolina's map incident). She asked the 15 year old to get a job to learn  self sufficiency (asked her to be a waitress, where she treats servers HORRIBLY and quits because she couldnt handle the pressure) and asked her to actually do her homework on her own. The pageant dad just made me sick-told the daughter when she was cooking that the food was bad and made her CRY and then told the wife to "go to bed" because no one talks back to him. Dad was just not a cool guy-he only perpetuated this stereotype. "She'll get all the help she wants for how hot she is", he said.

The pageant wife told the family the girl would stop doing homework and prepare for pageants because we all want to be "popular" and "sparkle".  The daughters got full makeovers including highlights and new miniskirts and learned how to put on makeup and "sparkle" (mind you, they are 8 and 13).

ok...i'm blogging because, really, there's no harm in putting on makeup and looking cute. Really. I mean, i love to shop, put on some great red lipstick, etc. My daughter(s) will be cute and will get their hair done and get makeovers as they get older. BUT my daughters will be able to do ANYTHING they put their mind to because they have more upstairs than a fake smile and blonde hair. I'm not a crazy feminist (or i thought i wasnt)  but this episode made me sick. Come on now-how will your daughter ever get ahead in life if she can't even spell, read or wait tables? AND how will she know her infinite worth in Jesus if she only focuses on herself and the material things of the world? I mean, if dad loses his job, he cant support her 100,000$ a year pageant habit, what would happen to her?

I guess we will see in 20 years where she is at. I pray for Alisha and truly hope she learns that there is more to life than winning pageants and that she is smart, is able to take care of herself, doesn't "need" a man, and  is able to learn and grow.  

i pray that she will be more than just a trophy wife in years to come. maybe she could be a triple threat-beauty, brains, and love for God. 

resolve to nothing

so i suck making new years resolutions. i always, always, always put way too much pressure to change and grow in inhuman ways. and then within 30 days, i get so frustrated that i quit. ...and the cycle continues. 

so in my insane consistent nature, i wrote some resolutions down. 

1. really cultivate the prayer life i dream of having and grow in this area more

2. really work on letting go and becoming less of a control freak especially when it is work related

3. really take the time to think about myself, how i relate to others, and who i am and how i need to be a better leader and friend  

4. get a life and find what recharges me and actually do it 

5. become a more balanced person and not become a workaholic 

6. really go to the gym and by years end, run a 10 K (last year's resolution revisited)

7. learn what it means to be a good wife whether or not it is culturally stereotyped, especially in the church/christian community

8. get over my fear of having children and being too self absorbed to be a good mom

9. learn how to cook and/or become a vegetarian

10. get to know people outside the church more (i.e. my esthetician, my neighbors, someone's neighbors)

11. watch less TV, preferably get it all down to 1 day a week (and get Tivo or something so i watch it all in bulk) 

12. Read at least 4 books a month and blog about them

13. pick one hair style and stick with it for at least 6 months 

14. take a dance class to refine my dance skills 

15. save for a new car, house, something 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now, i know, the list is somewhat ridiculous. i'm kind of ridiculous. I dream of being some weird perfect person who has it all together, it's perfect and lovely and wonderful. sometimes i feel like Bree on Desperate Housewives (minus a LOT of the drama) - but she's gotta have it all together. sometimes i feel like that. well...a lot of the time. I hate losing. I hate making mistakes.  so resolutions are the perfect time for me to try to achieve perfection. and obviously, i fail. horribly. every year. 

so...what if this year, i do anti-resolutions? or at least get my list down to like 4. (haha. right!)

this is what i am thinking i am going to ask God for help on...because Lord knows, I cant do it by myself...

ok...so my anti-resolutions are:

1. see if i am just trying to tolerate people or if they are truly toxic to me and need to have better boundaries with such people. and if they are, really be honest with them and not put a facade on. (namely, my grandmother). i am tired of bad and unhealthy relationships.

2. finally, somehow, learn how to love myself as is and try not to want the acceptance of others. sure, try to grow and change and see what God wants to do in me, but learn to accept myself and be content. i'll never be at some ideal. most of all, i'm not Jesus. i wont reach some level of perfection. i'll always say stupid things at times. i'll always make mistakes. i'll always need to grow and to grow from mistakes. so, its time that i grow up and realize this. 

3. take time to dream and create. and to be refreshed. i dont really dream enough. i think i do, but i dont. and i miss creating. and  have no idea how to recharge my batteries (other than shopping.)

4. run a 10k with a friend and train with her. (yes, i had to throw it in :))

5. find creative ways to spend more quality time with God. my new thought is to journal my thoughts via collage. to go and worship Him at sunrise. take risks so i have to trust Him more than i do right now (i'm so so scared to write that!).

 if i can just stick to the anti resolutions and not go to my traditional 15 i write down...maybe i will see some change. positive godly change this year. 

2008 will be great. 

even if i fail. 

even if i resolve to nothing. 

the artist formerly known as Bacon

with the last name of Bacon, it's pretty hard to shed the years and years of living the lifestyle of a Bacon. so i have decided to be called the artist formerly known as Bacon (afkab). i will post my thoughts and reflections as needed, and maybe do a "come back tour" as requested. or maybe i will make my own symbol and you can just call me by that. either way, i cant shed the name.