a long december

and it's been a long December and there's reason to believe

maybe this year will be better than the last 

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself 

to hold on to these moments as they pass

-Counting Crows 

I remember my toast from New Year's Eve 2008. "2008 will be great" we all echoed as we clanked glasses and watched the ball drop in New York (3 hours later, of course). 

the next few months flew by. I felt like we were living out the saying although I can't even remember what exactly happened. The next thing I knew, it was Easter, and then April. I then spent a great weekend celebrating the wedding of Tristan and Sara, in a beautiful ceremony and reception in Arroyo Grande, remembering all the great memories I have with my husband. I even titled my photo album "I love April...so far", I guess preparing myself for the other shoe to drop. 

Soon enough, it was May, celebrating birthday #27, with a small group of friends. Made the best sangria I have ever had. :) it was the first time since I left Westgate that I felt like I had a community of friends. That God had brought to me one of my biggest needs and listened to my heart. 

I enjoyed watching time fly. I watched my Nissan of 7 years die, a slow, bitter death, as it lay in my carport for 4 months. It was truly an end of an era: I bought it when I was 20, the first car I bought without the help of my father or another man to help pick it out (on the heels of a break up as well), and felt that I bought a fair, gently used vehicle.  July hit and we bought our first joint vehicle together: 2001 Subaru Outback, our family vehicle for the day that we decided to add to the Martin 2. That was July 11th... and on July 12th, we found out we were starting a family. 

Shock and awe. Shock and awe. Shock and awe. 

That sums up July, August and September.

October and November are a blur to me, as I watched my waistband increase, so did my workload. We had a lot of projects during that time...sanctuary redesign, relaunching our 9AM gathering, artists potluck, Christmas set up...I somehow don't remember how I made it through this insanity. And yet, I did. And the end result was beautiful. During the redesign we moved for the 4th time in our marriage, for good (so i thought). I thought I was going to lose my mind, but somehow, we made it through. I was dreaming about how we would decorate the nursery and how uniquely "us" our new place is. And somewhere in between all of that, we found out we are having a baby boy. We watched him on the ultrasound screen, saw his little face even in 3-D. a baby boy to play with, to chase, to hug, to tickle, to love. We will give him everything we have. 

jackson. our baby jackson.

November left us with the sad note of Mike's 95-year-old grandmother's request for help as her 99-year-old husband fell and was immobile. We dropped our Thanksgiving plans, drove to LA and visited her that night. She shooed us out of the house, telling us that we needed to have a "real" Thanksgiving dinner, passing some money off to us. We drove around Seal Beach about to resign on eating at a gas station, but found a table at Mimi's Cafe. We had our "real" Thanksgiving that night, but thankful, in the end that Grandma was just scared from her beloved's fall, and they will, in the end, be okay for a little while.

As fast at those first 11 months came, the last 2 weeks have been unequally as slow. My first day back in the office after dealing with Grandma's scare, I had my own. The mood was solemn, and I could sense change in the air for weeks now. Each day was like breathing in and out of a balloon-you know something isn't right, but it's something to fill your lungs, something to satiate the innate need of breath, even if it isn't what is truly needed. In the balloon-trapped room, they sat me down. 15 hours less a week you will be working starting January and your workload will change. You will lose your insurance after the baby is born. I'm sorry. 

breathe.

breathe.

breathe.

i lived in shock for about 3 days. I could still be in shock now. I don't know. I've not cried this much since I was a raging, hormonal junior higher, scared to go to school each day for fear of being jumped or stabbed. 

You know, it all makes sense. Economy. It affects all. The things that effect business, effect church. If it effects church, it effects the budget. Which effects salaries. Which effects me. 

Deep down, it effects me at my core. Within Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I am at the bottom. I'm having a baby which changes everything. It changes how I view life. It's changing my values. And it's changing me practically. Every little thing that I was saving for, I can't now. I am 12 weeks away from my due date. I can't afford to take more than 4 weeks off now. We can't stay in our current place, especially after the baby is born, now looking for a room to rent instead of a home. Every little need I could take care of before, I can't now. 

I am scared. I am a scared girl, holding onto whatever I can. Holding onto the only Hope I know.

I feel like December has been in a time warp, where each day goes by slower and each moment that passes by gets harder. A feeling that 2008 may never end. The first 11 months were so good and went by so fast...and now I am realizing how much I took the good for granted. I'm just trying to breathe each breath now with thankfulness. Slow down and enjoy. And truly, although I am scared and have more unknowns than I have experienced in 4 years, I'm finding this time beautiful. Scary but beautiful. 

It's been a long December, but there is hope. 

i feel like all I have left in my hands are love and hope. The love and support and care of the Vintage community. How I need it more than ever. The love of my family. The love from Mike and Jackson.  My love for all of the above. And...hope. Hope that God will take care of my needs...our needs. Hope for a change and a future brighter than what I could ever paint. Hope for the tangible to be met and the intangible to change me for the better. for the sake of others. for the sake of God.

Hope that this year will be better than the last.