Pregnant Diaries: 7 weeks to go...(oh, dear God, help me!)

well, here we are. I remember thinking back in July that January seemed so far away. And now, January has hit me harder than a 2x4 to the head. I am getting a little more tired, a little more moody, and I truly wonder if it is humanly possible for me to carry this baby for another 7 weeks. 

The crazy low back and pelvic pain is back in full force today. I think he's head down and getting ready to come out. And that is why it hurts this much. I'm sure he will be late, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if he will arrive early.  Every movement feels like I am carrying a small cow. He can't really be that big but it just feels like it. I have no idea how I will have room for another 3 or 4 lbs of baby. 

In my crankiness, I am getting tired of being asked, "are you ready?" It's ok, ask me about my weight gain, my aches and pains, my birth plan (or lack there of at this point), how I like my OB, where I will deliver...just don't ask me if I am ready. 

But since we are on that topic...I'm not ready. My body is telling me I am ready with the pain I am feeling but in all reality, I am not ready. Have I picked a pediatrician? No. Is the baby's room cleaned out, sorted, decorated and no longer the storage for over 4 years of crap? No. Have I practiced my breathing techniques, reread the birthing positions, spent time imagining my birth experience? No. Do we have a middle name? No. Have we installed the car seat? No. 

Have I pre-registered at the hospital? No. 

This is as far as we have gotten: the baby's room is full of stuff. Better than it was 2 months ago, but still not functional. We need to make room for the crib and the other things that will go in there (pregnancy brain fart). We still need to get the rocking chair from Mike's grandmother. I am grateful for the things we have so far. We have officially have a car seat, a bassinet for the early days, a changing table that will double as storage, a bag of disposable diapers (just in case), some really cute clothes, piddle pads, a few cloth diapers to try out and a diaper bag.  

But really, it's not about the "room" or the "stuff". I know we will get the necessities and Jackson will totally love it. I guess I am not ready for the huge change of a baby. I love him and can't wait to meet him (and wouldn't mind having her body back, instead of sharing it) but it is such a huge change and my fear of being incompetent and failure is calling me "not ready". What if I can't figure out his needs? What if he cries for hours after birth and I can't calm him? What if he does latch well or doesn't like to be swaddled? what if I am not attached to him? what if...he hates me?

Ok, I'm being crazy irrational right now. I fully know that. 7 weeks to go. Am I ready? Probably not. But I know that I love him, the little quirmer in me and that is enough.  

That is enough.