This is the first year where it feels a bit different. I've been trying on twenty-seven for a while now, but been pretty attached to twenty-six. But I'm feeling as though I am shedding twenty-six faster than I am ready to let go. I'm a little slower on the "trendy" side of things than I used to be these days. I am realizing I don't know the newest slang and that my language is starting to become a bit more adult like (um, like, yeah, totally!). I am slower to speak, but still not quick to listen. I haven't gone to SF for a concert in YEARS. Yes, years. days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years and here I am, shedding my twenty-sixth year faster than I can remember year twenty-five. or twenty-four. oh, man.
Here I am, looking to this next year and although I am slightly struggling, I feel like God's giving me new insight. And even though the external "mile markers" of where I wanted to be don't match the ones I dreamt up at age six, internally I am a new(er) creation than last year. And because of that, I'm excited, but not to be "older" but to hopefully gain wisdom. Not look "look more spiritual" to others, but to know that my faith (in secret, behind the door, when no one's looking) resembles what I portray to others in the public. Not to be more "popular" but to grow in deep, authentic community-even if its with only just a few people. Not to be more "happy" but to grow in true contentment (that's a whole 'nother post for another time). Not to have the coolest birthday gifts but to have beautiful memories to last me when I am partaking in another twenty-seventh birthday party 50 years from now. Memories to share with my kids, my grandkids (whether my own or just kids in the Spirit).
I know I always "say" these things, because if you are a "good Christian" you will want these things. I have externally told myself and others for many years that this is what I should want, therefore those would be my "birthday wishes". But really, secretly, internally, I wanted just the opposite. I wanted it to be about me. Not Jesus. Not others. But me. But...this is the year I think I am not lying to myself. I truly desire this.
27 is growing on me. I am starting to like the way it sounds, feels, tastes. It's kind of like one of those mexican lollipops with a chili lime coating, but once you suck off all the coating, there's sweet mango inside. You may not like the taste right away, but it grows on you and getting to the center is worth it. I feel that this year is going to be such a big transition. Maybe not in "external events" but the internal processes that have shaped me to be me over the last quarter century.
I'm taking off my winter coat and settling into the person God is calling me to be. I am finally warming up and it feels good.
2 comments:
good imagery, the winter coat, and the chile lime pop; your writing is really getting good!
For the record, I really liked 27. It felt mature, but still fun. But it just got better the older I've become. Really! There's an interesting maturity thing that happens at 30, sort of a mellowing, and a clarity thing. It's hard to describe.....It sounds like you're approaching things with the right attitude....and thanks for taking such good care of Gracie on Sunday-she still talks about how she wants to dye her hair like her Auntie Sarah Martin.
thank you colleen. I feel like i am finally attached to the words I am using. does that make any sense? the words i am using are simply summing up what I am feeling. And I cant remember words ever being able to express my thoughts and feelings. It's neat. A really neat time of learning self-expression. So basically-thank you for your kind words-they inspire me.
And your daughter...she is simply adorable. Does Gracie really want to dye her hair? I'm amazed that my hair ADD is influencing a youngster. We had so much fun with her-she's a joy to our lives.
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