mary in a martha world

funny that I named this blog as such. I think there's a book called this and i think i had to read it in college. 

But I digress. 

So I realize I am really impatient. When I was a kid, all i wanted to do was to grow up. Like, I could not WAIT to go to kindergarten. I wanted to grow up as an elementary school kid and to do so I had my daily dose of Oprah and Growing Pains. I was always looking for the next thing. Junior high. High school. College #1. College #2. College #3. Graduating College. getting married. Moving to Sacramento. Getting my first "real" job. Quitting my first "real" job. Moving from Sacramento. the list goes on (and on and on). I am like this with houses I have lived in. If I have lived in a home for more than 1 year, I go STIR CRAZY. I seriously could move to a new house down the street and quench this fire for the time being. 

I think that is also really resonant of my spiritual life as well. I am always looking for the next thing in my walk with Jesus. I think when I was a new Christian I thought that quantity was really what Jesus wanted. That if i sat at His feet for like, 7 weeks straight, in a desert, with only a bible and water, He would just unfold this scroll of what He wanted from me and how he wanted to use me. Then I'd know exactly each step I needed to take, what He wanted from me. Ha! Oh, Lord, help me now.

Now i realize that I have the attention span of a rat and I cant really sit at Jesus' feet for long, extensive amounts of time. I am actually currently blogging during a worship gathering now because if i dont do it now, I will forget (remember...attention span?). and it has really enhanced my blogging experience. I really felt as though God was really directing my typing. it was like a worship experience. What was I just talking about?

Oh that's right. So I have a hard time not multi tasking my relationship with Jesus. Doing more than one thing at a time at all times. I get caught up in the tasks of the kingdom of God and not the relationship with God that i need. Sundays I find myself wondering, "are the candles lit? how is the tech team? is the (fill in the blank person who helps out on a given sunday) ________ here yet? are we running late? should Josh cut a song? will he see my note? It's dark in the pocket, should I get a light? Oh, crap, I forgot (fill in the blank of something you would see at Vintage on any given sunday) ________! Who could run to (name any given store we shop at each week)  ______ ?". So...that's sunday, which really should be a work day, not a sabbath so I probably need to really "rest" on my day off and like fall off the face of the earth on saturdays or something. Again, I digress. 

Anyway...I want to be Mary. I mean, she just sat at Jesus' feet. Screw the dirty dishes and the unclean floors. I just want to listen to Jesus sing a sweet song to me. And, to be quite honest, I am Martha a lot. I am a Mary in my marriage and my family but I am a Martha with our church community and with our friends. I don't think I am by nature, but the environment my whole life, has been molded into Martha. Society and even Christian culture has molded me into Martha. And I have chosen to be Martha - probably to fill my self esteem, my self worth and maybe even to fill my pride. I admit it. 

Yet, I long for the quietness at Jesus' feet.  To be. just be. Not be impatient with Jesus when He hasn't laid out the scroll of my life of what He wants next. That's really what the whole relationship with Jesus thing is all about. And each time I have waited for the next "spot" in life, He's brought me to the next place- it's been so good. maybe hard. Ok, always hard. But so good. And when I sit at Jesus' feet, I know that good things come to those who wait. Whatever it is.

So tonight, I'm sitting, waiting, wishing. At Jesus' feet. For Him to show me the next steps. Whatever it might be. 

(ok, is this the scatterbrained blog yet?)